Hundreds of Angry Dachshunds Demand Weiner Resignation

Photo: Max & Cleo, proprietors of www.thehotdogblog.com

One day after New York congressman Anthony Weiner apologized for sending a lewd photo of his crotch to a college student via Twitter, a crowd of enraged dachshunds stormed the congressional office building and demanded that he step aside, blockading Weiner’s office.  Capitol police, who were called to remove the popular pets from the site, were held at bay for three hours by a shield of sympathetic pit bulls, a breed that had taken similar umbrage in 2008 during former Alaska governor Sarah Palin’s run for the vice-presidency.

“For two days, these loyal and blameless dogs have suffered repeated mockery and jokes because of the pathetic judgment of one man,” said Dachshund Outreach spokesman Stan Winkle.  “He should go.”

“We’re innocent victims,” said Punkin, a reddish-coated shorthair from Baltimore who arrived on one of several buses transporting the dogs.  “Everybody we pass has something smart-alecky to say, and quite frankly you can only lift your leg on so many people.” 

Oscar and Opie, a pair of longhairs from Madison, Wisconsin made good on a vow to bark continuously until the congressman resigns, driving many members of the press corps back to their trucks.  While most of the dogs came independently, many arrived in groups sponsored by the Dachshund Anti-Defamation League, Dachshunds United, Dachshund Singles, and a newly formed, non breed-specific collective called Weiner Relief. 

“As if it wasn’t bad enough when the word got out that Don Rumsfeld and [Lee Harvey Oswald killer] Jack Ruby had dachsies, now this pervert flashes his junk and doubles the mockery with that name,” growled Mitzi, a pudgy brown dachshund from Albany.  “Great.  I guess enshrining ‘bitch’ as a cultural insult wasn’t enough.” 

A crowd of dachshund owners and their dogs, chanting “Get rid of Weiner or we’ll just get meaner,” only served to heighten the dogs’ outrage.  “In just the past 72 hours, I’ve heard more ‘weiner’ jokes than Oscar Mayer,” complained Veenie, a two-year-old from Rochester. 

Marcy Cahill, a dachshund breeder from St. Louis, cited a long line of insults in the face of the popular but stubbornly aggressive breed.  “They have suffered in the face of mockery, bearing continual and unsavory associations with Kaiser Wilhelm, [Nazi general Erwin] Rommel, and sauerkraut.  And using them as the mascot character for the 1972 Munich Summer Olympics--well, you know how well that went,” Cahill said.  “Now, a new ‘weiner’ joke has made them the laughing stock of the canine world.”

The American Kennel Club and the Dachshund Club of America have said that they will pursue a joint class action suit against the congressman.  “It’s one thing to draw women into a stupid Internet sexual exchange, but it’s entirely another to slander a whole breed of noble dogs,” the suit claimed.   The AKC did not return calls for a comment.

Congressman Weiner, whose future political aspirations have been derailed by the controversy, managed to escape his office through a side entrance.  A dozen or so dachshunds chased the car down a driveway until it outran them.   Richard Yanker, a Weiner staffer, read an apology to the group hoping to appease the dogs, who left "calling cards" of various consistencies throughout the sparkling white marble hallways. 

“I have made a terrible mistake and am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused man’s best friend,” Weiner said through Yanker.  “As the owner of two German Shepherds and several roosters at my home, I understand that what I have done is unforgiveable.  I promise to bend over backwards to make this situation better for everyone.”


German Chancellor Angela Merkel, in Washington on a state visit, said she would meet privately with several of the dachsunds.