What I Believe Against
During a campaign season there are many promises to make,
many people to persuade, and many stops along the path to the Golden Ticket (as
Willy Wonka might call it). There’s real work to be done, which
means no time for crawling into the outhouse well of negative campaigning.
There is far too much finger pointing and cynicism in politics anyway. So let me part from my opponents and
take the high road here, and skip all the bully-in-the-playground skylarking. This is my stand on the issues, as a
man (but not speaking for all men) and an American (definitely speaking for all
Americans). This is what I believe
against.
I believe against people uniting on behalf of wages and
benefits. Employers are wise, and
to question that presses them to act out such wisdom in the form of finding
more-grateful employees, many of whom speak fluent Hindi.
I believe against raising the debt ceiling and lowering the
glass ceiling.
I believe against manipulating the words of our Founding
Fathers to sway public opinion. As
founding statesman (and organizer of the original Tea Party, I should add) Benedict Arnold once
said, such deception “will make one famous, but then in the future everyone
will be famous for fifteen minutes,” which is not enough. In this great nation, fame should last
four years.
I believe against any kind of marriage that threatens the
union of other marriages, like the one I have with my wife Cassiopeia. I also believe against the manufacture
of all but twin beds. As our third
president and abstinence pioneer Benjamin Franklin declared, “If it’s not
worth walking across the room for, then what is it worth?”
I believe against diversity, for at the heart of it, is not
diversity the enemy of equality?
And are we not all created equal in God’s eyes, except for some of us
whom God has made in a deluxe edition?
I believe against universal healthcare, which is like peeing
in the YMCA pool. No one
should have to adapt to such an egregious affront to basic human courtesy. And that is why everyone should have
his own pool. And for those who
can’t afford their own pool, it’s back to the Y.
I believe against women in the workplace, but for those who
have chosen to put on the bossypants, I believe in equity of pay. Since women are 50% of the population,
I firmly believe they should receive 50% of the salary.
I believe against imposing mean-spirited rules and
regulations on our financial institutions. These are smart people. If what they do wasn’t good for America, they wouldn’t do
it. Everyone remembers the pop,
but no one remembers the beauty of the bubble.
I believe against big government, which intrudes upon the
very fiber of our lives.
Government is not meant to protect us and avoid chaos. That’s why we have a National Guard. Government is not meant to pave the way
to your happiness. That’s why we
have lobbyists, and American Express.
Government is not meant to patrol the streets, fixing potholes, keeping
water clean and maintaining a complex and environmentally conscious infrastructure. That’s why we have private enterprise
and a free market. Government is
meant solely to balance the budget and fund the military for everything it
needs except for our soldiers, who can buy their own damned socks.
And I believe against non-gated communities. As founding father Jesus Christ once said,
“Good fences make good neighbors.”
And those who venture into our communities uninvited, well, that’s why
we have Neighborhood Watch.
Finally, I believe against negativity in public
discourse. If someone has a
grievance against his government, he has a right to step into the street and
voice it, or gather with others for the same purpose.
If it reaches the point of actually threatening the status
quo, we have drones. Made in
America.
Well said Pacninko. Some home run hits, some poignant and some especially amusing. I enjoyed Benedict Arnold's words and your opinion that fame should last four years. This was the first of the blog posts I have read. I shall be reading more. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant Charlie!!
ReplyDelete