LA LEADERS WEIGH OPTIONS ON SITE FOR GOP MEMORIAL
July 3 - (Los Angeles) Los Angeles civic leaders, overwhelmed by the extraordinary outpouring of grief for the death of the national Republican Party, are struggling with the choice for a site for the memorial.
"We're received requests to use Staples Center and the Los Angeles Coliseum," said city spokesman Merle Ketchum, sites which can accommodate the anticipated huge number of mourners for the party, which died late last week after a series of cascading misjudgments. "We're not sure either one will be big enough," Ketchum said, dodging a large picture of Richard Nixon being held aloft by a weeping fan.
Moral lapses by governors Mark Sanford and John Ensign, complicated by a confluence of logic-bending statements from Missouri State Representative Cynthia Davis, Rush Limbaugh, Bobby Jindal, Dick Cheney, and a host of Fox News commentators led to the party being rushed to UCLA Medical Center in full rhetorical arrest. Extensive efforts to revive it failed and the party of Abraham Lincoln was declared dead shortly after arrival.
Los Angeles was quickly decided upon as the memorial site because, according to one anonymous source, "LA probably had a hand in killing it anyway, with all those gays and such." Memorial organizer Pat Buchanan will issue a press statement later in the week.
Surviving party members Michael Steele and Senator John McCain announced that it would be "premature to decide what will become of the party's remains." An autopsy is currently underway, and toxicology reports are due in 6-8 weeks. So far, no foul play is suspected. The Republican Party's bizarre behavior in the past five years had been a source of concern for many conservatives, who expressed doubts that it was physically healthy enough for the comeback needed in the 2010 election.
Groups of mourners have already set up memorial shrines outside the U.S. Senate and House of
Representatives chambers in Washington, D.C., and police were called out to control the crowd of thousands of inconsolable fans that swarmed around the Costa Mesa, California headquarters of Trinity Broadcast Network, where the party will lie in state. A public memorial themed on American Values will feature a benediction by columnist Ann Coulter, followed by remembrances from Republican stalwarts Mark Foley, Michael Savage, and Larry Craig.
In spite of its curiously self-destructive nature, the party still had a legion of fans who are now demanding to know where they can pay their respects. A custody and assets squabble has been fomenting among other Republican leaders, as no viable will or power of attorny has been located. Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who quit her office last week, has filed court papers in Wasilla to adopt what remains of the GOP membership.
Meanwhile, Los Angeles leaders are overwhelmed with the prospect of hosting a throng of Republican mourners after a controversy over an expensive parade honoring the Los Angeles Lakers two weeks ago has left the cash-strapped "City of the Angels" reeling. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has made several calls to local billionaires for help in underwriting the Republican funeral, but has received only one offer from Rupert Murdoch, who promised free bottled water. The Neverland Ranch, once owned by the late Michael Jackson, has still not been ruled out. "The name certainly makes sense," Steele noted.
Members of the Democratic National Committee, contacted by reporters at the Al Franken victory celebration in Minneapolis, were reportedly too drunk to comment.