While an anxious and thoroughly disgusted citizenry waits for
something to happen with the federal government (somebody blink, please) and
watches the Kardashian-rivaling real-time freak show known as the Republican
Candidates Debate (“Who Will Survive This Week?”), a nagging question arises:
Can anyone lead America?
The answer is yes.
He’s been under our noses for decades, only now we need him more than
ever. Desperately. Please consider if you will the one
hope for the U.S. presidency in 2012: independent candidate Bugs
Bunny.
You are already nodding your heads in agreement. See? Think about it—there are at least a dozen reasons why Bugs
Bunny would be the perfect leader of the free world.
1. Who
doesn’t like Bugs Bunny?
2. He’s
smart. He can quote just about anybody
if he wanted to, he just doesn’t want to.
He’s got street smarts galore, and calls things as he sees them. When he speaks, people listen.
3. He’s
an outsider. He’s never actually
held an office, although he’s run for office a couple of times just to drive
the opposition crazy. He’s
never stuck his nose into public policy and never had an ear for beltway
jargon. He just wants a comfy,
clean place to live, a few carrots, and for people to leave him alone.
4. He’s
resourceful. He can turn around a
discussion with the mere shift of a pronoun. He thinks on his feet and uses
whatever’s available. He makes light objects heavy and heavy objects light
(think anvil). He’s always got a new idea, and it
always works. He never doubts that
he’ll get to a solution if he keeps trying.
5. He’s
fearless. That doesn’t mean he’s
unafraid, it just means that he doesn’t let his fear stop him from doing
something. He’s secure, and he
doesn’t have anything to prove. After facing down and leveling the Tasmanian Devil, an orange
monster in tennis shoes, an invading Martian bent on Earth’s destruction,
Yosemite Sam, boxers, bullies, hillbillies, predators, and Adolf Hitler, it’s a
pretty safe bet he can handle Eric Cantor and Mitch McConnell.
6. He’s a
champion of the underdog. With
Bugs Bunny, fair is fair. He has
demonstrated that the weakest among us should be protected—watching out for
little bunnies, lost penguins and old ladies. It doesn’t have to be written as law—it’s just the right
thing to do. Even if it’s inconvenient and not politically expedient.
7. During
World War II, he sold millions of war bonds, helping bring victory on two
fronts.
8. He’s a
military hero, and holds the rank of sergeant in the Marine Corps.
9. He’s
got charisma to burn. Men are in
awe of him. Chicks dig him.
10. He’s
musical and artistic, and a wonderful dancer.
11. He’s strong and impervious to natural laws like physics
and gravity. And grammar.
 |
| Bugs stylings by Chuck Jones. |
12. He doesn’t care that people know he likes to dress in
girls’ clothes. People don’t
care. You’ll have to dig up
something else.
13. He’s already gotten “celebrity” out of his system. He’s starred in hundreds of cartoons,
several feature films, a current hit TV show, and has won an Academy
Award. He’s been on a first-class
postage stamp and played basketball with Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and
Patrick Ewing and held his own on the court.
14. He never throws the first punch—but he always
gets in the last one.
15. He's funny. Intentionally.
It should be pretty clear that Bugs is the one candidate
with savvy and stamina. And he
works cheap.
“But,” you say, “Bugs Bunny is just a one-dimensional
cartoon character.” Stop splittin’
hares. That’s the only
thing he has in common with the rest of the candidates, Doc.
