Friday, February 12, 2016

Bernie Sanders' Top Ten Pickup Lines

1.    Want to come to my place and reduce the income gap?

2.    My emissions ain’t carbon yet.

3.    Let’s break up the big banks. But first, let’s break my La-Z-Boy.

4.    I believe in a single-payer system, but for you—no charge.

5.    You look like the kind of girl who’d help an old guy overhaul his infrastructure, am I right?

6.    Nothing puts me in the mood like a glass of wine, raw oysters, and a Harris poll.

7.    Once you’ve had a democratic socialist you never go back.

8.    You look like a woman who appreciates closing a loophole.

9.    I’ll take you to heights of collective bargaining most women just dream of.

10. People say I’m too big to fail.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

GOP committed to creating viable candidate on 3D printer

Since August of 2015, the Republican National Committee has been struggling with a 3D printer to create a likeable and electable candidate for the 2016 election. The printer was a floor model, purchased for $899.00 from a Staples store in Richmond, VA.

The “Last Gasp” task force scientists. working feverishly on the project, have had modest success the past few months, creating bulletproof foil hats, an ashtray of a hand giving the finger, and a singing bullfrog. But so far they’ve come up empty-handed building a leader who can complete a sentence without pissing off every thinking voter in America.

“We get pretty close sometimes,” said Darcy Pinnick, a Republican strategist who is leading the Last Gasp task force. “But they’re hard to program to compete with the primitive and unremarkable flesh-and-blood candidates we have now.” 

“A little less Cruz, a little more Kasich…” says 3D engineer Josh Kunz. “That’s what they keep asking for. But time’s running out. We still can’t get that right mix of unrepentant, sneering bigot and fallen-minister-turned-used-car-salesman. And the hair—don’t get me started on the hair.”

Rumors had circulated in the fall that some portions of Dr. Ben Carson were actually built on the state-of-the-art machine, but the committee has denied making any part of the candidate.

“Each week brings us closer to the promised land,” said Pinnick. “In December we thought we had it, but it started spewing common sense and actually articulated a jobs program right out of the printer. The RNC said, ‘ixnay.’”

“The last try didn’t go so well, either,” he said. “His demeanor and vocabulary were in the 12-15 year-old sweet spot, and he made absolutely no sense at all. On paper he was perfect. No programming curve.”  But Pinnick said that even this 3D candidate also was relegated to the recycle bin.

“The committee thought he looked too much like Mike Dukakis.”