It's Christmastime, which means that there are carols in the air, lights on houses, gifts to wrap, or that you were laid off right before Thanksgiving and have been living like Charles Bukowski ever since. Have you ever heard a more chipper term than "gig economy"?  Us neither.



     It's also the time that business magazines, optimistic as their editors are, begin publishing their  yearly "Best Indicators for Your Next Job," "What to Ask in an Interview," or "Ten Signs You're In a Toxic Workplace" assuming you're going to step right in to one of those cool tech companies where they serve crepes at break time and have a ball pit for "creative spitballing"  (Truth is, though, that if you're over 50, it's more likely you're waiting for work under the umbrella at the edge of the Home Depot parking lot). 

      As part of its service to the public good, Pachinko has done some research and nailed down more than a dozen signals that the cute perks your potential new employer promises may be concealing some darker corporate mission. 

      So while you're waiting for those coal mining and auto manufacturing jobs to come back, here's our list of signs that might steer you to a more fruitful line of work. 

      Mind you--it's just a list. We don't judge. We just report.

1.     Clothing Optional Fridays

2.     Training video is the same one used to break prisoners at Gitmo.

3.     HR staffs a 24/7 grief counselor.

4.     Break room does double duty as a quarantine station.

5.     Lunch counts against vacation time.

6.     “Progressive Discipline” policy includes branding iron.

7.     Elevator operates with a debit card.

8.     Interview process includes a game of Twister.

9.     Women’s desks somewhat smaller than men’s.

10. Security requires daily readings from a Geiger counter.
11. Receptionist has a tip jar.
12. Forced “productivity massages” from the boss’s brother.

13. “You Break It, You Buy It”
14. Once-a-Month Handgun Socials

15. Bring-Grampa-To-Work Day


  1. Concerning number six. Are you allowed to pick your own choice of brand?


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