Baby, It's Cold Outside 2017

Just for starters, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is no more a Christmas song than Joni Mitchell’s “River.” Or “Won’t You Come Home, Bill Bailey.” They're both about crummy relationships, their tempo is decided un-Christmasy, and, you certainly can’t take them door-to-door with the Lions Club Carolers (in these home invasion days, most people are hiding behind the couch when they hear sixty people clearing their throats on the front porch).  Admittedly, “River” does offer some dreamy winter imagery of escaping on ice skates after the family Christmas dinner, but “Baby, It’s Cold Outside"? It was already a creep show on Cosmopolitans, so if it’s going to be sung at Christmas parties and middle school holiday programs as a holiday song, then let’s get rid of the boozy flirtation and make the lyrics a little more...relevant. Because these days, baby, it's deathly cold inside, too.

Baby, It's Cold Outside, 2017

I really can't stay (but baby, it's cold outside)
I've got to go away (I’m going to take a shower; you sit there and have a drink)

This evening has been (honey, don’t have a fight with me in the hallway)
So very nice (yes, come in)

My mother will start to worry (oh please, I’m sorry)
My father will be pacing the floor (Please, you’re making a big scene here. Please)

So really I'd better scurry (five minutes—don’t ruin your friendship with me for five minutes)
But maybe just a half a drink more (then have a glass of water)

The neighbors might think (don’t embarrass me in the hotel. I’m here all the time)
Say what's in this drink? (go to the bathroom—hey, come here, listen to me)

I wish I knew how (just walk)
To break this spell (Im not gonna do anything. I swear on my children)

I ought to say, no, no, no sir (I’m telling you right now—get in here)
At least I'm gonna say that I tried (I promise I won’t do anything)

I really can't stay (I’ll never do another thing to you)
But baby, it's cold outside

I simply must go (sit here for a minute, please)
The answer is no (go to the bathroom—hey, come here. Listen to me)

Your welcome has been (Please?)
So nice and warm (I know…)

My sister will be suspicious (If you wanna leave when the guy comes with my jacket, you can go)
My brother will be there at the door (the guy is coming)

My maiden aunts mind is vicious (I’m used to that)
But maybe just a cigarette more (Listen to me)

I've gotta get home (No. Come in here)
Say lend me a coat? (Sit with me. I promise)

You've really been grand (I’m a famous guy.)
But don't you see? (No. You must come in here now)

There's bound to be talk tomorrow (you’ll never see me again after this, okay?)
At least there will be plenty implied (Get inside)

I really can't stay (OK, bye, Thank you. Never call me again, OK?)
Baby, it's cold
Baby, it's cold outside (Make yourself useful--can you take this to the curb on your way to the cab?)