Sessions reverses policy stance after drunken, weed-fueled Coachella weekend

Attorney General Jeff Sessions, an intrepid anti-pot crusader, stands mesmerized as he absorbs the first rush of
psilocybin after shrooming at the Coachella set by Banks. He would later consume almost two bags of marijuana at the event

U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions dialed back his rabidly anti-marijuana and moralistic law enforcement stance Sunday after three days wandering the Coachella Music Festival in Indio, CA. 

Sessions’ glassy-eyed appearance at the festival, in the company of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, conflicted with his angry contention that “good people don’t smoke marijuana.”

“I couldn’ta been more wrong,” Sessions exclaimed, diving into a double basket of hot wings. “They smoke pot. They trip. They booze it up. And they take 'shrooms. My whole event horizon’s changed since Friday when we got here and got hooked up at the gate.”  Sessions and Tillerson, who Sessions describes as “more of a whiskey bitch than Tom Waits,” spent the next sleepless 72 hours going booth-to-booth in a  “boots on the ground kinda intensive study,” he said.  “After a bag and a half of Afghan Haze and a few hours with Rex at the Heineken House tent, we were totally ready for the Glass Animals set, which fuckin’ blew me away. “I had no idea my consciousness had this many layers of discovery,” he said. 

Tillerson, wearing a livid tan after two days in the sun, had been sleeping against a wall for the better part of Saturday afternoon. He lifted his head to chime in.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson enjoys a break after taking in
a day's worth of live music at Coachella.
“We were here to establish new administration protocola against this kind of thing,” he said, slurring the word “administration” several times till he got it to his satisfaction. “Ol’ Jeff came here looking for Skynrd and Southern Culture on the Skids, and he’s goin’ back with a taste for Bon Iver and Chicano Batman. That rocks,”  Tillerson said. "Oh, and Gucci Mane is the shit," he added, making a gurgling chuckle as he readjusted himself for another two-hour snooze.  "I got nothing more to say." Sessions jerked a thumb toward him, laughing.

“Rex is more of a traditionalist than I am,” he said. “I was about to nod out, too, but after a coupla hits of Molly I was ready for a little trance music and some skin-to-skin with a few of the ladies here,” he added.  “I come here as a justice seeker, and I’m goin’ back as an ambassador,” he said, brushing the desert grit from his suit and squaring his tie.

“Anybody know if Willie [Nelson] or Ziggy [Marley] can do this year’s Fourth on the National Mall?” he asked nobody in particular.

Sessions adjusted the Sia wig he had bought to blend in, and ambled across the grounds to catch the Alla-Las at the Sonora stage. Two women in their twenties, clad in see-through Middle Eastern garb, each took an arm. Sessions bobbed his eyebrows.

“Too bad I gotta leave early,” he said. “but we got a coupla executions going in Alabama this week, and I've got a gut feeling that shit's gonna harsh my mellow."


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