Republicans ponder giving drug cartels enforcement relief

As a countermeasure to President Obama’s move last week to give deportation relief to young Hispanics who are in the country illegally, Republican lawmakers gathered Tuesday to present their plan for a friendlier business environment for Latin American drug cartels.  The “American Navigation of Drugs and Law Enforcement” Act (ANDALE) is designed to create jobs and increase Republican appeal to Latinos in the November elections.  “We’re showing the president that he’s not the only one with innovative ideas for easing the immigration problem,” said representative Mel Petcalf, a member of the Armed Services and Homeland Security committees.

Democrats have decried the move as “cynical gaming of a regional tragedy,” but are already drafting their own version of the plan.

Republicans have been largely silent about the business practices of the cartels, but “the proof is in the pudding.”  “By offering these pharmaceutical outlets tax incentives and a capable pool of workers and consumers, we see enormous potential for growth in this sector,” said House majority leader Eric Cantor.  “We see this as clearing the pathway to innovation—heck, it could produce the next Steve Jobs.”

“ANDALE is a step forward—for four years, this administration has been spinning its wheels to get America back to work,” said House speaker John Boehner.  “And all along the solution has been right under everyone’s noses.”

According to its author Darrell Isssa (R-CA), the ANDALE Act has “a synchronicity with our basic 2012 party platform of creating jobs and upholding constitutional rights that are threatened by the current administration.”  The act cites several shared values that make drug cartels the perfect partners for American business:

They’ve got capital.  Mexican and Central American drug lords are competitive self-starters, requiring little SBA funding.   In Mexico alone, the six top cartels bring in over $90 billion annually, with a separate kidnapping business generating $425 million, “which is mostly in the form of donations,” said Gary Tiller (R-CA), Ways and Means committee member.

They’re job creators.  Drug cartels employ over 250,000 workers at all strata of involvement.    

Their invoices are always paid.  While the IRS has trouble collecting even 25% of the money owed to them, the Beltran-Leyva cartel “vendors” have received 100% of their billing every month for the past ten years.  Los Zetas, a competitor known for its more assertive collection methods, is running 138%.   Already, American Express has subcontracted almost 300 Los Zetas members as delinquent account consultants.

They respond quickly to the marketplace. Fluctuations in price, consumer confidence, and market trends don’t affect them.  “They know exactly how to cut overhead,” said one admiring senator.

They’re staunch defenders of the 2nd Amendment. “Even though they aren’t citizens, we find that the drug cartel members have a deep an abiding respect for the right to bear arms, and that puts them firmly in line with our base,” said Carly Baitz, a congressional candidate from Orange County (CA).  “We find that of all our constituency, they are the most persuasive regarding this cherished right.”

They have solid values.  More than ¼ of cartel members are named “Jesus.”

They demonstrate how far a business can go under self-regulation.

They support large ancillary businesses.  The cartels’ use of plastic bags, rope, saws, lime, pallets and zip ties has generated millions of dollars of business for retailers and wholesalers.  “This year, the Knights Templar and a smaller cartel in [the Mexican state of] Zacatecas have vowed to go ‘green,’ and buy only American,” Baitz explained.  “That should mitigate criticism of their overall business.”

They’re strictly anti-union.  And it’s not just rhetoric; over a million union organizing cards were found in a warehouse fire along with 200 severed tongues. “Their handshake is their contract,” said Congressman Ned Kilgallen.  “They say they’re going to do something, you can be sure it’s going to get done.”

They’re risk takers.  “Every successful entrepreneur knows you have to take chances,” said Fred Pfaphth (R-WV).  “These guys never go the easy route, and their impulses—even the ones that border on sociopathy—are usually dead-on, for lack of a better term.”

Democrats are unimpressed with ANDALE, saying that it’s an unreasonable response to the President’s proposal.  “You look at these cartels and you can see right off that women are underrepresented, they have high employee turnover, and their benefits are worse than Walmart and Home Depot combined,” said Cliff Cousins (D-OR).  “And their lobbyists kind of creep me out.” 

“It’s a shitty, cutthroat and dirty business,” said Donald Trump, who is supporting Republican candidate Mitt Romney in his bid for the presidency. “But so’s real estate.”


  1. What is just like a dog eating his own vomit?

    Bill Maher and this post.

    You can't be making money at this? My gawd, you buy the premise, you buy the story! You Fool, you can't get past the general reality that the Republican political party is known for some law and order. If you are trying to be slick or cool, you let that really fuck up your premise here. Your premise is believable to the smallest subset of readers, like Mother Earth magazine. No, you might get this past the editors of High Times!

    1. This is satire. There is no attempt to be believable except in tone and format. Please note Rule 62 at the top of the landing page, and try not to take yourself so seriously. Satire, like a good pun, is never pretty.

    2. Don’t hate critical replies? Talented satirists start with believable satirical steps, put out believable word pictures, and most of the times have solutions to a wrong. Pointing out the absurdity of continued fallacy is also a solution. I would consider that trying to use some weak psychological substitution for a political party, when the other political party is known for continued substance use and legalization attempts all over the country, is just a psychological substitution. I would suggest when both sides in satire can laugh, you might be average. Oh yeah, wait for approval.

    3. Someone didn't get his nap.

    4. That is creepy! In order to make that claim, however, evidence for the specific claim must be presented. You must be a peeping tom then. Oh yeah, wait for approval.

  2. After approval. You are Bill Maher

  3. I love the satire, oh Great and Powerful Pachinko. It brings a smile to my face . Should political lovebirds be offended, that makes it even more sweet.

    1. Thank YOU, oh flattering and sensible Anonymous--not to be confused with the other one. Much appreciated.

  4. Hey, Anonymous -- put your name on your posts, or you're nothing more than just another piece of dog shit on the shoe of society. Own it, or kill yourself, please.

    1. I think he means the first Anonymous. The second one was only being nice. I'm not sure what to make of the first one.

    2. Mr. Tom, (if that is your real name) dog shit has no opinion. It just is. You left no opinion, nor an adult challenge. So you look like . . (wait for it) . .

      dog shit.

      Since you didn’t leave a real serious piece of writing, it looks like you haven’t graduated the fifth grade. It really bugs the hell out of you that you can’t bully Anonymous, does it not?

    3. This is a forum for constructive, articulate response. I don't mind criticism at all, but name-calling and other inarticulate jabbering is unwelcome. This is commentary, not Jihad. Pachinko thanks you.

  5. Grudge matches always turn out to be a letdown, aren't they? But, advertising for one is even more feckless. I do hope some consideration was applied from an Anonymous view point. Oh yeah, wait for approval.

  6. Great job, Charlie... I can see some just don't get it!!


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