What I Believe Against
During a campaign season there are many promises to make, many people to persuade, and many stops along the path to the Golden Ticket (as Willy Wonka might call it). There’s real work to be done, which means no time for crawling into the outhouse well of negative campaigning. There is far too much finger pointing and cynicism in politics anyway. So let me part from my opponents and take the high road here, and skip all the bully-in-the-playground skylarking. This is my stand on the issues, as a man (but not speaking for all men) and an American (definitely speaking for all Americans). This is what I believe against.
I believe against people uniting on behalf of wages and benefits. Employers are wise, and to question that presses them to act out such wisdom in the form of finding more-grateful employees, many of whom speak fluent Hindi.
I believe against raising the debt ceiling and lowering the glass ceiling.
I believe against manipulating the words of our Founding Fathers to sway public opinion. As founding statesman (and organizer of the original Tea Party, I should add) Benedict Arnold once said, such deception “will make one famous, but then in the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes,” which is not enough. In this great nation, fame should last four years.
I believe against any kind of marriage that threatens the union of other marriages, like the one I have with my wife Cassiopeia. I also believe against the manufacture of all but twin beds. As our third president and abstinence pioneer Benjamin Franklin declared, “If it’s not worth walking across the room for, then what is it worth?”
I believe against diversity, for at the heart of it, is not diversity the enemy of equality? And are we not all created equal in God’s eyes, except for some of us whom God has made in a deluxe edition?
I believe against universal healthcare, which is like peeing in the YMCA pool. No one should have to adapt to such an egregious affront to basic human courtesy. And that is why everyone should have his own pool. And for those who can’t afford their own pool, it’s back to the Y.
I believe against women in the workplace, but for those who have chosen to put on the bossypants, I believe in equity of pay. Since women are 50% of the population, I firmly believe they should receive 50% of the salary.
I believe against imposing mean-spirited rules and regulations on our financial institutions. These are smart people. If what they do wasn’t good for America, they wouldn’t do it. Everyone remembers the pop, but no one remembers the beauty of the bubble.
I believe against big government, which intrudes upon the very fiber of our lives. Government is not meant to protect us and avoid chaos. That’s why we have a National Guard. Government is not meant to pave the way to your happiness. That’s why we have lobbyists, and American Express. Government is not meant to patrol the streets, fixing potholes, keeping water clean and maintaining a complex and environmentally conscious infrastructure. That’s why we have private enterprise and a free market. Government is meant solely to balance the budget and fund the military for everything it needs except for our soldiers, who can buy their own damned socks.
And I believe against non-gated communities. As founding father Jesus Christ once said, “Good fences make good neighbors.” And those who venture into our communities uninvited, well, that’s why we have Neighborhood Watch.
Finally, I believe against negativity in public discourse. If someone has a grievance against his government, he has a right to step into the street and voice it, or gather with others for the same purpose.
If it reaches the point of actually threatening the status quo, we have drones. Made in America.