Stampede to Apologize to Shirley Sherrod Kills 11

Washington, DC - Eleven people were killed and over 150 injured as a throng eager to apologize to agriculture department employee Shirley Sherrod turned on itself, trapping hundreds of people in a hallway and, according to witnesses, "using up all the available oxygen venting their opinion."

The tragedy occurred when a purposefully contrite crowd of politicos, pundits, and administration officials made a hasty pilgrimage to apologize for jumping the gun in labeling Mrs. Sherrod a racist and became jammed in a small hallway at the U. S. Department of Agriculture building where Sherrod's office is located. The crush of new apologists from the back of the line overwhelmed those getting off their knees at the front, causing a panic. Ambulances blocked the street outside the Department of Agriculture till early morning, and the offices themselves have been designated a crime scene.

The flashpoint for the tragedy was a one-minute segment (from a 25-minute speech) to the NAACP posted on neoconservative commentator Andrew Breitbart's website last week, in which Mrs. Sherrod admitted that she had denied the full force of her authority in helping a white farmer two decades ago. An unedited version of the tape made it clear that the point of her story was quite the opposite.

Professional spokespeople across the country had dutifully called for Mrs. Sherrod's resignation while the Obama administration, scrambling to download the longer version of the Sherrod speech from YouTube, suggested she resign.

After the 43rd mea culpa, Sherrod announced that she had work to do and that everyone "should go back to their own desks and start getting things done." As the stunned petitioners began to leave, an argument broke out over who was most sorry, and the cascading reaction of repudiation and defensiveness resulted in what one Fox journalist said, "a senseless loss of airtime."

"We're only sorry Helen Thomas wasn't here," said Carl Ingveldt, a liberal blogger. "She'd know what to say."