After Long Silence, Tiger Woods’ Golf Clubs Announce Divorce is Final

Jacksonville, FL-- During a surprise invitation-only press conference, Tiger Woods’ cherished set of Nike golf clubs announced that their divorce from the golfer was finalized last week.

“We’ve been holding back saying anything till now,” Woods’ prized driver read from a prepared statement. “It’s been hard enough dealing with all the attention while still respecting Tiger and Elin’s privacy.”

Woods’ clubs admitted to being partly to blame for his lackluster performance at most PGA tournaments this past year. “Our hearts just weren’t in it, and I’m afraid it reflected on Tiger,” the driver said. “But in the end, he just didn’t have enough left in him to keep us interested.” The driver admitted to purposely sabotaging some of his owner’s once-legendary instincts while insisting that the split was “cordial.” “His actions cheapened our beloved ‘Just Do It’ ethos, so we had no recourse except to screw with his game,” the spokesclub said.  Wood’s putter and nine-iron sat solemnly at the press conference, which was held in the clubhouse at Mill Cove Golf Club; none of the clubs took questions from the media.

Woods’ fall from grace after his spectacularly widespread sexual peccadilloes has occupied golf news since last Thanksgiving. The driver admitted that it and the other Nike clubs were in the car during the golf legend’s high-profile crash outside his home in the early hours of the holiday, but denied that it had ever hit Woods. “That’s just preposterous,” it said. “Even after his abuse—all the throwing and swearing at us during tourneys—we would never actually hit him. We loved him, but love can't overcome betrayal.”

At the center of the club divorce proceedings was Woods’ use of other, cheaper clubs during practice and on several holes of the Masters Tournament. “We didn’t suspect anything at first,” said one club on the condition of anonymity. “He seemed totally devoted to us and his Titleist balls, so when we found out he was dallying with a low-end set of Nitros and hiding them out in lockers all over the country, it came as a total shock.”

Eventually other, cheaper clubs surfaced declaring that they, too, had been in Tiger’s hands during play. Within days, dozens of clubs came forward, bogeying Woods’ reputation and terminating several lucrative endorsement deals.

“We only want the best for Tiger and wish him and Elin well. We’ll be on eBay some time in the next few weeks, and expect to enjoy some time out of the limelight to simply reflect and consider the next phase of our career.” 

 An Oprah appearance with Elin Nordgren is scheduled for September. While rumors of a huge financial payout to the clubs have been floating through the gossip media for months, specifics of any substantial financial settlement have been kept under wraps.

Attorney Gloria Allred would not comment about payouts to her clients the Nitros, either individually or as a group. Three of the Nitros posed nude for Golf World in July.


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