Ask the Imam

Every few months we reprint letters to the advice columnist for the new Al Qaeda woman’s magazine Al-Shamikha, jihad's answer to Family Circle.    

Anwar al Mawraki, head of Al Qaeda’s social network ministry, is syndicated in over 100 periodicals and websites.  His blog, Connect the Dots, has over 50,000 followers, and his Facebook page boasts 33,000 fans, of which 18,300 are U.S. intelligence.

Dear Imam,

My sister’s boyfriend, whom I’ll call Murray, is a charming, well-spoken fellow who treats my sister like a queen.  My family adores him, and he’s been like an uncle to my two middle-school age sons.  He and my sister plan to marry this summer.

When they came to visit for the Christmas holidays, I borrowed his car to run an errand and, while looking for a tissue, found several pieces of women’s intimate apparel in the glove box, as well as an address and phone number for someone named “Jade.”   It made me most uncomfortable so I kept my mouth shut, but I feel like such a traitor to my sister.

They’re coming to town next month and plan to stay at my house.  Should I tell her what I discovered?  I feel like a terrible snoop, and if it’s nothing I don’t want to ruin her relationship.  My husband says leave it alone, but something tells me I have to warn her about Murray.  What do you think I should do?

Bitter in Bismark

Dear Bitter,

Your use of the words “Queen” and “Christmas” brings my lunch back into my gullet, signaling that you are most unworthy of an answer; however, since I just this morning sent three young boys with a ticking gift to a security checkpoint (remorseless praise to Him Who is Tingly With Approval), I am feeling expansively generous.  So here goes it.

Since you have expressed no moral quandary besides being “uncomfortable,” let me warn you that there is a great spiritual judgment brewing here.  The sacred texts, which I have personally parsed and will feed to you like the falcon vomits chewed food into the mouths of her eager and essentially brainless young (all praise to Him Who Rewards Disloyalty with Shingles), are clear about how to deal with Murray. 

Bind his arms and make him kneel at the Sabbath dinner and confess his transgressions.  Throw the proof on the table.  “And his eyes shall be taken with hot irons for unfaithfulness” is what I think I read somewhere about this.  So this swine shouldn’t be looking at other women, much less transporting their undergarments.  Since he seems to be doing just that, take out his eyes.  But I ramble.  Write again when you find out who “Jade” is and send me her number.  I will take it upon myself to set her on path of righteousness. 

Dear Imam,

I’m a 17-year-old boy, a junior in high school.  I’ve had two girlfriends in the past two years, but neither of them has lasted more than a month.  Last night, my mother confronted me and asked outright if I am gay. 

I admit that I haven’t had much luck (or time) with girls between my love for video games and my job at Popeye’s chicken, but I still think there’s some gray area between not having a girlfriend and out-and-out homosexuality.  I don’t have many friends except for Kit and Jerry at Popeye’s.  Do you think I could be gay?  Or is it normal not to have a girlfriend at 17?  I have to have an answer for my mom real soon since she’s already made an appointment for us to visit our pastor.

Wondering Out Loud

Dear Out,

You are an abomination, the kind of mindless youth who proves that the Almighty sometimes practices sculpting with carrion.  Now that that is out of the way (praise be to Him Who Would Use You as a Dental Pick), let me say that there is hope.  Your failure with women is because of your own failings as a person, and your dependence on this Kit and Jerry (such names may He Who Deplores Nicknames forgive) is a sign of your unspeakable corruption. 

Your mother may be right, but she is filling your head with the kind of suggestions for which her head should be removed.  Do this, and then turn to such as me, who will guide you toward a better day.  Renounce these Kits and Jerrys, and this Popeye with his filthy nesting birds (all honor to Him Who Would Roast You On a Spit).  Join us at our summer camp outside Karachi, where we will bring you to purification and perfect union with hot women in the afterlife once you are fitted for a vest.  Tell no one.  The pastor will only lead you to deeper confusion.

Dear Imam,

I hate washing dishes and my wife hates yard work, but we have worked it out so that I have agreed to do a little bit of housework to keep the peace.  Lately, though, she’s been letting the dishes stack up and goes to bed at 7 p.m. and leaves them for me.  I don’t think that’s fair.  I have offered to buy her a real nice power mower for her birthday as sort of an olive branch to help her to do her part, but she scoffs at it.  So I am stuck doing both.  What can I do to put our marriage back on track and keep the house and yard from looking like Tobacco Road?  I’m getting resentful.

The Palmolive Kid

Dear Palmolive,

An olive branch?  Please.  In the words of the Most Holy Text That I Make Up As I Go Along, the insolence your wife expresses can only be dealt with by burying her to her neck in your backyard and inviting the men in your community to stone her (praise Him Who Turns Women Into Mulch).  Then find a more malleable wife who does dishes and yard work.  And move to a home that is not on this Tobacco Road—the use of tobacco is forbidden by Him Who Would Use Your Eye Sockets as Ashtrays.  But first, bind her to the riding mower and get the lawn mowed as was agreed. It is written.  You didn’t know? 

Dear Imam,

My elderly mother-in-law lives two blocks away.  “Myrna” drops in on us at all hours without warning, saying she’s just “checking up” on my husband and me, saying we never call her and bringing useless cereal box toys for our children, who are 28 and 21.  This happens three or four times a week, and she always manages to time it so she can stay for a meal.  My husband Ned, who is hard-working and a good provider, hasn’t got the whatevers to tell her to leave, so it’s up to me.  But she’s family—I can’t just throw her out. She would never do this with Ned’s older brother, but he lives in her guest room.  What should I do to make her feel welcome but still respect our privacy?

Put-Upon

Dear Put-Upon,

Let no family tie stand in the way of justice.  This Myrna is old and therefore may be addled.  Beheading (as it has been instructed by Him Who Speaks Only Through Me) will be wasted on her.   However, we are only made happy through that which we do, and nothing but feeling useful will change her (all devotion to Him Who Scrambles the Brain Cells of the Aged).  She can be made useful and resolve your problem all at once.  Praise her, feed her, bless her, anoint her with sacred oils, and send her into a crowded plaza with a tea set made from C-4 and a cheap cell phone.  Then call her as you promised.  She will be happy at last to hear from you.