Lohan Community Service Restructured to Include Vegas, Cannes

Lohan tries Propovodka, a mixture of Stoli and Propofol,
while performing community service hours at Skybar 

While Los Angeles city prosecutors demand jail time for Lindsay Lohan after she allegedly violated the terms of her probation, Lohan’s legal team has presented a revised probation plan to the court.  The request was made as the once-promising actress was taken into custody this morning in a pair of custom-made Michael Kors handcuffs on order of the judge who had sentenced her.

Lohan attorney Karl Magma, acknowledging that the actress had been booted from a program at the Downtown Women’s Center after her necklace theft conviction, is prepared to present a “fully restructured, compassionate re-thinking” of her probation.  Lohan has ignored completing hundreds of required hours of service at a women’s shelter and the L.A. coroner’s office. 

“We want Lindsay to do her service where it’s going to do her and the public the most good,” Magma said.  The new plan allows a venue change for her hours at the women’s center in downtown Los Angeles, instead requiring her to perform “intensive poolside exchanges” at the Venetian in Las Vegas.  “She’ll put in 350 hours like that,” Magma said, snapping his fingers.   He also cited less congestion around the courthouse and better photo opportunities for TMZ.  The attorney rolled his eyes when asked if the setting might not jeopardize her continuing recovery from drug, alcohol, and shoplifting problems.   “Her only problem is a broken justice system.  Enough said.”

Ed Heffernan, a spokesman for the city attorney, declared that Lohan has reneged on every term of her probation.  “This new arrangement requested by her attorney is just a smokescreen,” he said, “so she doesn’t have to go to a regular jail and end up with some ‘street surgery’ when she runs her Hollywood royalty act on the other girls.”

Heffernan said other concessions being run past the court are that Lohan be given credit for London Fashion Week and granted an extension on her service hours at the coroner’s office by attending the Cannes Film Festival next year, where she can work with elderly producers and financiers who are “going to die pretty soon anyway.”   She’s also agreed to house arrest, but only in the Dubai apartment of a Saudi sheik.  As for going back to jail, Lohan has said she’ll “play along” if she’s assured that celebrity chef Gordon Ramsey will create her meals. 

“I don’t think this is the spirit in which [L.A. Superior Court] Judge Sautner issued the order,” Heffernan said. The young actress’s pattern of shrugging off court orders is seen as a patent disregard for rules and contempt for the judicial system.  “We’re done letting her piss in the court’s cornflakes, pardon my French, Gordon Ramsey notwithstanding,” said Heffernan.

Lohan, who dressed for Wednesday’s hearing thinking it was a business meeting with Vera Wang, ordered her driver to take her to Yamashiro when word got to the back of her limo that they were actually at the courthouse.   Her attorney was “flabbergasted” at the deception.

“In the American tradition of civil disobedience, Lindsay is exercising her right to protest an enormous miscarriage of justice,” Magma explained.  “She’s doing this for all the starlets not yet born—for the special, the misunderstood, the overrated…all victims of bad breaks, misunderstandings, and the media.”


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