Apple to Spend $48 Gazillion on "All Kinds of Cool Shit"

Apple Inc. announced Monday that it would spend "About $48 gazillion" of its yearly earnings on what CFO Peter Oppenheimer called "all kinds of really cool shit," including quarterly dividends, a stock buyback program, and monthly cash-burning bonfires for employees.  "That's just the beginning," Oppenheimer said.  "We've got big plans."

The company, which declared in January that it had "more money than the Lord Jesus and His heavenly Father" said shareholders will be paid $28 million per share quarterly.  The payout is designed to make Apple an even more appealing investment to a spectrum of speculators, thus deepening its earnings and making Apple stock "more valuable than anything ever discovered or created since the beginning of time in any solar system."

First to enjoy the bounty of Apple's incredible wealth sharing is its work force at its Cupertino, California headquarters.  "I've never had a bonus quite this big," said 37-year-old marketing employee Randy Faulk.  "We used to get earn nice bounce-backs when I worked at Pets.com, but it was nothing like this," he said, packing the last of several laundry bags with stacks of hundred dollar bills. "We work hard, though, so I don't feel bad about it or anything."

Jennifer Chen inspects the Apple employee bonus
delivered to her office on Monday afternoon

When asked what she was going to do with her sudden windfall, analyst Jennifer Chen said she was going to take her mother to dinner, buy every pair of shoes she ever wanted, and get rid of her old couch--with her useless boyfriend on it. "I've got a feeling my luck at TGI Fridays just took a turn for the better," said Chen.

Apple CEO Tim Cook told investors that the company would spend $10-to-the-21st-power ($1 thousand billion) on a three-year stock repurchase program.  He said Apple will spend about $27 thousand decillion (10 to the power of 63) on the buyback and shareholder payout initiatives over the next three years.  "That'll leave us with a fairly prudent operating reserve of $18 bazillion to keep our operations going."  Cook also said Apple will create an iPrinter as part of its next generation of phenomenally successful products. "Shareholders will have an app that will allow them to print their own money from our account," Cook said.  "It'll be really cool."

Apple's newest generation iPad launch last Friday was "majorly successful" according to one young Apple employee, but the company would not divulge the number of units sold.  Business analysts project that Apple will sell in the area of "2 to 17 buttloadillion" units by summer.

Long-range plans for the company include paying off the world's debt, creating its own monetary system, assembling a military force of loyal shareholders, and financing a complete economic takeover of mainland China.  "That, and still keep the price of an iTune at $1.29," said Oppenheimer, laughing.

Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, closely following the company's business announcement, called Apple's bonanza "a good start, but not enough to mean much at this stage of the game."

One of the break rooms at Apple's Cupertino
headquarters after Monday's announcement.