Katherine Jackson begs kidnappers: “Take me away from that crazy-ass family”

Katherine Jackson, mother of the late King of Pop, has put out an appeal to the general public for someone to abduct her and keep her for the rest of her life, a source close to the family said.  Mrs. Jackson returned to Los Angeles Thursday according to Tweets from her worried granddaughter Paris.  But upon her return, the matriarch of the troubled family began sending messages herself through her lawyer, asking for “a proper kidnapping.”

Mrs. Jackson temporarily lost her guardianship of Michael Jackson’s three children, Prince Michael, Paris, and Blanket, after she disappeared for several days.  The children were awarded to her custody after the pop star’s death, in spite of the fact that he had seven able-bodied siblings who could have taken them in. 

“Here’s what I want,” Katherine Jackson said in a statement read by her attorney, Bud Kallup.  “Kidnap me.  Grab me, throw me in a trunk.  I’ll act like I’m all fightin’ it and screamin’.  Make it look good.  Then take me far away—like to Iceland or something—and plant my platinum ass in a nice apartment with a maid and an assistant.  Don’t give anyone my phone number, not even Rebbie.   Name a ransom, I’ll double it, cash money, and you don’t have to ‘return me to my 'loved ones' or any of that sentimental bunk because there ain’t any 'loved ones.'   Just put some miles between me and that money-sucking sinkhole called The Jacksons.  It can’t be that hard.”

“Listen, I’m keeping those kids, and I’m ‘a change a couple of names.  I keep trying to imagine what brand of stupid puts a tag like ‘Blanket’ on their child.   What, was, like, ‘Fitted Sheet’ already taken?  And some other people oughta give up the idea that folks want spend good money to see a concert with The Jackson Freakin’ Four.”   

Mrs. Jackson’s woes have accumulated in direct proportion to the success of her late son’s financial portfolio, with huge posthumous record sales and vast revenue streams like Cirque de Soleil’s The Immortal: World Tour. 

Her son Marlon, in a note on Twitter, said his mother was back in Los Angeles “and she looks and sounds great.”

“You bet I do,” Mrs. Jackson snapped.  “I’ve been away from that overfed freak show for five days.  I haven’t felt this good since I sent Joe’s ass packin’. ” [Joe Jackson is Mrs. Jackson’s controversial ex-husband.]  As the estate approaches half a billion dollars, the rest of the Jackson family have become more actively concerned with the children’s and their grandmother’s well being. 

“I know Tito’s boy said I was slurring on the phone the other night,” Mrs. Jackson said.  “Of course I was slurring, you trust fund-lootin’ couch-sleepin’ no-account vagrant.  Yep—Grandma was gettin’ her drink on to forget about everything that’s been goin’ on in this family since that bullshit “Victory” tour in 1984.  Sweet mother of the Lord, you think I can listen to this shit sober?”   When asked what they will do tonight to celebrate Mrs. Jackson’s return, Prince Michael said, “probably In ‘n Out, then we’ll stream Ruthless People.  You ever see that?”