Ryan Vows to Seek Federal Aid Upon Return to Mordor
At a Tuesday rally in Ohio, Ryan told a cheering crowd that he would "return to Middle Earth and seek the council of the dark priests of Sauron," adding that as insurance he will "petition Morgoth to contact FEMA" in the event of any storm damage to Wisconsin. "We're confident FEMA will see things our way."
Carl Tull, Republican National Committee chair for Wisconsin, applauded Ryan's efforts. "He's going the distance for his people," Tull said. "Even though he loathes the federal government and has vowed to make it small enough to be managed by a small panel of billionaires, it says something for the man that he can put that all aside to try and become the second most powerful being on Earth."
Representatives of Middle Earth have long protested a perceived conflict of interest in Ryan's quest to represent two widely different sets of constituents. "The dark lord Melkor himself couldn't pull it off in 2008, and we're not sure Ryan's got the stuff to make it happen next week," said Drundle, a nervous hobbit whose entire family was roasted on a spit for missing a payment on their home in Taur-nu-Fuin. "But I support him because he's promised to work for the little guy."
Ryan has claimed that in the interest of transparency, all his interests in Mordor will be divested if he wins the election Nov. 6th. "I promise," he said. "Really. Pinky-promise."
Ryan denied any involvement in the creation of the storm itself. "If it had been our people, it would've been frogs. Trust me."