White House launches Syria response with Kickstarter campaign
The Obama administration has taken full charge of the president’s proposed military response to Syria by launching a campaign on Kickstarter, the popular “crowd funding” website. The goal, according to a source close to the campaign, is “as close as we can get to $250 billion in the next two weeks.”
The project, called “Toe the Red Line,” aims to procure enough funding to keep American air strikes going for six months. A music video on the Kickstarter site features Alec Baldwin choking the living bejesus out of an actor playing Assad, set to Wiz Khalifa’s “Roll Up.”
Press secretary Jay Carney said that the president was “hopeful” that the American people “kick Assad out by kicking in” for a military strike against the Syrian president’s army. Exclusive premiums for donating range from t-shirts and coffee mugs (“We made Syria OWN that bacteria”) to MMA classes with Vice-President Joe Biden and a chance to appear on NPR’s “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me” with Eric Holder. The highest contributors will receive the honorary rank of three-star general, as well as poker-and-barbecue night with Chuck Hagel and a drone tour of Homs.
“This is our first grassroots war. Americans are the most generous people in the world, and when it comes to world peace, they'll step up,” Obama says in a voiceover track. “If they don't, I’ll be forced to send Congress itself to Damascus and clear this up.”
A concurrent program has aides scrambling for White House memorabilia for sale on eBay, with free shipping.
With ten days left, the Kickstarter campaign has raised $3,715.48. “We’re in this for the long haul,” Carney said.