Biblical scholar believes ‘Gospel of Jesus’s Wife’ is really a “honey-do” list

A faded remnant of papyrus known as the “Gospel of Jesus’s Wife,” which caused an uproar when unveiled by a Harvard Divinity School historian in 2012, has been tested by scientists who conclude in a journal published on Thursday that it is very likely nothing more than a list of weekend chores.    It has also authenticated the ink and papyrus as being ancient, and not a modern forgery.  An extensive analysis by cryptographers and biblical scholars at Harvard, MIT, and Columbia University

MIT analyst Francoise deux-Poissons, whose 2012 essay, “The Hubby Savior” created a firestorm upon its publication in the magazine The Buzz: Bethlehem did a deep analysis of both the material and language of the scrap and has determined it to be not only authentic, but possibly the first feminist tract in world history.  “She loved her husband not as the Messiah,” Professor deux-Poissons says, “but as a man who likely overlooked chores in his own home while spreading his Gospel to the masses.” 

Her translation sheds new light into the domestic life of couples in the time of the Emperor Tiberius, and “thoroughly humanizes the man.”  A partial list of the translations includes several items “suggested for completion by a woman who was fed up with holding down the home.”  The list includes the following notations that demonstrate her command of the household.

“Blessed are those who unclog hair from the bathroom drain.”

“Lamp in the foyer needs oil.”

“Doorjamb could use a touch-up after you and James the Lesser moved the couch.”

“You might want to get Lazarus or one of your other pals to help compost the flowerbeds.”

“I don’t think the front door has hung straight since Genesis, hint-hint.”

“One more baptism in my sink and your cousin can spend the Sabbath at your mother’s house.”

“You have a 12:15 with Martha on Thursday to get your hair trimmed.”

“Enough with the anointing—how about we hang those drapes?”

“A little Negev potash and some vinegar will get those smudges off the hem of your garments.  Not at my paygrade, sweetie.”

“Anyone who can turn water to wine can certainly empty the dishwasher.”

The name of the anonymous woman has not yet been determined, but her pluck in the presence of a man who could walk on water has been called “commendable.”