Seven New Time-Busters for SmartPhone Owners

Forget planking and owling—they’re so last Friday.  There are several new, don’t-miss explorations in the abuse of time looming on the Internet horizon.  For the next 18 months, you’ll be seeing more of these nascent trends.  Photograph them and post them on your favorite social networking page, and ready yourself for the avalanche of “likes” you’ll get!

Sporking:  Standing with mouth open and three fingers extended behind one’s head (or hair gelled into three tines) like a dork, looking for all intents and purposes like a spork.   Extra points for being photographed doing it posed on a highway, but exercise caution.  An errant spork in front of a large truck becomes "Spatuling."

Skyping:  Making a hilariously funny or coolly detached expression or exposing a body part best left seen only by the coroner, while framing it with your fingers and thumbs like a small screen.   Ironic low tech.

Cudding:  To be differentiated from “cuddling”--the familiar interaction (usually under duress) of one partner achieving a benign physicality with the other.  "Cudding," however is the act of being photographed while eating, or pretending to eat, or pretending to re-digest, grass or shrubbery.  Often the prelude to “horking,” which is the final stage of the "cudding" process and puts to the test the miming (or concentration) skills of the horker (Note: to cuddle with a horker is repugnant).

Sidelonging:  To locate an unwary soul and pose directly behind them (but not touching), doing something rude, insulting, or dangerous without them knowing it while a confederate snaps a photo of the two of you in profile.   Note that if one is caught by said person while sidelonging, it results in a humiliating and rigorously physical trend called “Dislodging.”

Adhering: One or more people in shorts sprint across a street, drop to their knees, and slide bare-skinned on the tarmac.  See who picks up the most gravel, twigs, and living organisms, and photograph the results.  Can be made competitive, but probably won't catch on except in certain reptilian camps. 

Gas-lamping:  The  expulsion of gas by a person in a plank position is photographed at the moment it meets a source of ignition.  Popular among teens.  Recommended only while wearing fire retardant pajama bottoms.  A "gas lamp" gone awry is called Bruckheiming.

Wanking: Photographing yourself or another for the purpose of an attention-getting post on a webpage; poring over more than three such photos.