Christie executes staff member, vows to unleash behemoth if not taken seriously

 A top staffer for New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rumored to have been executed Friday morning in a good faith gesture the governor hopes will demonstrate that he “sincerely wants to put all of this behind me” in the wake of a political payback scandal that has reached a boiling point.  He also promised that if the accusations persist, he will “awaken a prehistoric creature” beneath the Hudson River bottom and set it loose on New York to “school [New York City mayor] DiBlasio on how it’s done.”   

The beast, a rhedosaurus, is thought to have been brought down by a radioactive isotope after thrashing New York City in 1953.  Its origin was hotly debated at the time, but it is believed that late New Jersey governor Alfred E. Driscoll had called it out of hibernation after receiving a traffic citation in Manhattan that the city’s mayor refused to dismiss.  Thousands died in the attack, and much of New York City was destroyed.

“Al Driscoll left an incantation in a locked box in the governor’s office,” a subdued Christie said at Thursday’s press conference.  “It hasn’t been opened or used since the early 1950’s, but if I have to, I’ll release the beast.  People will be held accountable,” he said.  He quickly added that he was “not a bully, but in politics, responsibility must be taken.”  The governor would not elaborate.

An anonymous witness told Pachinko that the governor’s deputy chief of staff, Bridget Anne Kelly, was “clipped” at a late night crisis session in the governor’s office.  “He went all Paulie Walnuts on her with a gavel,” the source claimed, invoking a volatile character from the HBO series The Sopranos.  “It put everybody on notice.”

Christie, a plain-speaking and often volatile possible Republican nominee for the 2016 presidential race, has been struggling to distance himself from accusations that he was involved in a move to temporarily close lanes of the George Washington Bridge as political payback.  The controversy, revealed in December, reached a crescendo this week as emails were released and the governor himself was implicated.  Christie has denied all involvement, declaring that he had been “misled” by Kelly.  “It won’t happen again,” he said yesterday at a two-hour press conference.   “No, sir—you can put money on that.  Never again.”