Police Urge Gang-Bangers to Aim at Children

Los Angeles - After the tragic Halloween murder of a 5-year-old boy in South Los Angeles, an LAPD spokesman is asking gang shooters to think twice before pulling the trigger.  "So many kids are getting killed in senseless crossfire, we think it would be helpful for gang rivals everywhere to aim directly at the kids themselves," said LAPD press liason James Guthrie.  "Maybe that way they'll finally start hitting each other."

"We're trying to be pragmatic," Guthrie said.  "Gangbangers generally don't work out their weapons skills at the range. They get most of their technique from John Woo films.

"Frankly, that Hard-Boiled, tilted-gun posturing in the movies is a joke--haven't these [gentlemen] heard of gravity?  The bullets are flying everywhere and innocent people are being murdered in the name of looking like freakin' Wesley Snipes."

LAPD Chief Charlie Beck has joined the chorus of officers urging gangsters to "Target-a-Kid."  "Studies are showing that unskilled shooters like the Kitchen Crips and the Swan Blood Gang [who are suspected in the murder of the five-year-old] have a higher percentage of hits on intended targets if they aim at local children.  Otherwise their accuracy stinks.  They should at least use that to everyone's advantage."

Gang members objected to their characterization as bad shots.  "Sure, a lot of it's stance and 'tude, but why even pull the trigger at all if you gon' look like [that darned] Cliff Huxtable," said a member of the Westside Wilmas gang whose moniker is "Blinky." "You hit the pose, chamber yo' gat, and hope somebody else get hurt. Lotta guesswork. Therein lies the problem an' shit."

"We're in the process of working to certify gang members as marksmen to keep the guns out of the hands of members who are less competent," Guthrie said. "But you're still going to have your scofflaws. So for now, we're just urging them to take a moment and think first, find a small child nearby, and aim at them.  They'll almost certainly nail some other jackass.  We'll take that as a success for now."