Some Good News
LESSONS FROM MY FATHER
Sand with the grain.
Remember that men cry. Just not all the time.
Get an education. That's not the same as "go to school."
Do what you said you'd do.
Learn how to polish your shoes and make a bed like a Marine.
Some day, you'll yell "turn that noise down!" and you'll think of me.
Your pals are your pals. I’m your father.
I’m willing to die for you, but you have to clean up after yourself.
If it falls on the ground, pick it up.
If it’s trash, throw it away.
Never. Never. Never hit girls.
Little things matter.
Big things pass.
You are destined for the same hairline.
You'll forget my shirts but you'll always remember my aftershave.
Respect your mother. She’s my wife.
Go ahead and sneer at my mistakes; when I'm gone they're all yours.
LESSONS FROM MY MOTHER
Ironing helps you forget.
If you pay attention, you can get all your family’s weekly groceries for twenty bucks (and have enough left over for lunch with your little boy at the Woolworth’s counter).
Enjoy your mischief but only tell one other person.
Magic is where you look for it.
Abuse doesn’t justify abuse.
Sometimes, all you’ve got to give is a kind word and a glass of water.
LESSONS FROM MY SON
If you put a toy plane under your pillow, you’ll fly in your dreams.
If your pal crashes his bike, carry him across the street and get him some Bactine and a bandage.
The passing of gas is always funny. No exceptions.
A hug from dad before bed forgives a lot of sins.
If you spend five minutes watching me play Star Wars Battlefront I will never forget it.
Everybody is funny, some intentionally.
Electric cars? Why aren’t there light sabers?
LESSONS FROM MY DAUGHTER
Sing, even if it’s only the dog watching.
It’s hard to dance without smiling.
If your older brother does something wrong, it’s always acceptable to rat him out.
The most important topic in 9-year-old girl-talk is “puppies.”
Birthday party planning begins the day after your last birthday.
LESSONS FROM THE FAMILY DOG
If it holds still, it’s worth humping. If it moves, better yet.
You’ll always be a puppy. That’s how you roll.
Water tastes best right from the hose.
What is it with squirrels?
He’s on your walk; stop and sniff whenever you like.
Bark, even when there's no reason for it. Repeat. Repeat.
Lick it like it’s Baskin-Robbins.
They have a dog park too; it's called the Rotary Club.
There’s never been a butt not worth sniffing.
When they try to push you away from their crotch, push back harder and make that gagging noise. That's power.
Kiss little kids; their faces are a buffet.
If you're really old and they want to take you for a ride, don't go.
If they force you to go, crap all over the car.