Wikileaks Docs Reveal Almost Universal Contempt for Kardashians

While the purloined diplomatic cables published last week by website Wikileaks allowed a peek into the backroom conversations of world leadership, they also revealed an almost unanimous and startling revulsion the world over for the Kardashian sisters. 

Whether east or west, Christian or Muslim, and despite a gulf of ideological and economic difference, world leaders agree that the stars of the reality show “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” are-- individually and as a set—“resource-sucking trollops” according to one British diplomat.

The sisters Kim (the curvy one), Khloe (the petite one), and Kourtney (the husky one) have, according to the diplomat, “quite possibly put the letter “K” through more hardship than the Kellogg’s Corporation and the Ku Klux Klan combined,” and were derided by former German president Horst Kohler’s chief of staff as “doing more to topple the world economy [than] Goldman Sachs.”

The sisters, who launched a debit card for teens on November 10^th to howls of protest, have already backed away from the endorsement after pushback from the World Bank.  A missive from Secretary of State Hilary Clinton ordered diplomats to find out how many French, British, Russian, and Chinese Security Council members carried the cards, why they weren’t being honored when used by members of Congress, and why there was one in the glove box of her car.

And taking the anger a step further, VISA, Amazon, and PayPal have not only refused to honor the Kardashian Kards but have cut funding ties with Wikileaks creator Julian Assange as punishment for giving the Kardashians an even broader forum.  

“It’s clear that these three top-heavy exemplars of American values are doing exactly what three decades of deregulated capitalism couldn’t do—get people to waste the equivalent of the Greek GNP on products that have turned meaninglessness into a duty,” said one member of German Prime Minister Angela Merkel’s inner circle.

Armenian president Serzh Sargsyan, in a February 2010 cable, tersely noted that, “they’re half-Scottish too, thank you very much.”

Even though the Wikileaks cables illustrated an almost universal gag reflex at the mere mention of the Kardashians, they did have their fans.   Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi couriered a personal letter to Kim Kardashian, inviting her and “the little one” [Khloe] to his villa in Naples. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad offered the girls a tour of his nation’s nuclear reactor core.   “You are so hot!” Ahmadinejad declared in one cable.  “You could only help in our refinement of yellow cake uranium!  Later, we can walk down Nasty St. with the camera on, Sharia law be damned.”

Calendars featuring all three sisters are being used as Al Qaeda recruitment premiums, and the terrorist group itself has taken to spelling its name "All Kayda" in tribute to the girls' spelling in their Tweets.  Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri also issued an appeal to the Al Jazeera television network via a Pakistani diplomat to “please pick up the E! Channel, I pray to you in the name of Him who loves jihad and Kourtney.”   

Statisticians who pored through over 450,000 cables found that 198,211 diplomatic messages mentioned at least one of the sisters by name, 28,315 referred to them as “deplorable tarts,” a majority used the terms "skeevy" and "skanky," 18,756 declared that they didn’t know who the Kardashians were, while over 30,000 admitted that they “want to be like them.” 

In other Wikileaks developments, approximately 35,000 diplomats expressed the sentiment that while Jennifer was the more accomplished dancer, Bristol showed the most improvement.