Unforgettable Last-Minute Christmas Gifts

The hottest gifts of the year are all gone, and they probably weren’t that great to begin with (ie: anything with chipmunks or the word “app”), so we’ve put together a list of last-minute presents for the busy shopper who’s already fobbed off every opportunity to go to the store in favor of “lunch with Captain Morgan” in the backyard gazebo.  This is the perfect way to say goodbye to a season that’s been noticeably bereft of good cheer.

Hoarders Season I Box Set
Pull up a TV tray, push aside the garbage sack of bread bag ties and that stack of salvaged bubble wrap and settle back.  This is the hit TV series with a legion of devoted fans that see it as the next civil rights issue.  As we see it, this year’s Christmas treasure (right next to the Tom Arnold McHale’s Navy VHS) is part of next year’s Hoarders episode, which could wind up on Season 2, which becomes next year’s gift, and on and on.  For joy that knows no boundaries, wrap it in newspaper and watch the lucky recipient sweat over whether it should go with the newspaper stack or in the oven with the saved gift wrap.  There’s pleasure here for everybody.

Adopt a Democrat
Many Democrats this season find themselves without homes or hope, and some are simply waiting to be euthanized.  While many of the Democrats up for adoption have behavioral problems and are unable to assimilate into the pack, all are worth a try.  There’s no need to field a new Democrat when there are already so many waiting to join the right family.  Won’t you help?

Toughskins “Urban Cowboy” Vest
Kids have it tough these days, and Sears Toughskins have always been there for them.  A first Toughskin vest is a rite of passage for city kids, and our market research shows that durability is still the most important feature for parents buying children's apparel.  Sears' engineers have created a stronger material than either the 50-50 blend of cotton and polyester or 100-percent denim most commonly found in kids’ clothes.  This year’s new 75-25 vulcanized blend of Kevlar and cotton is a vest for a generation, a mixture of comfort and utility that can stop an errant hollow point at ten yards.  It’s this season’s gift that promises a Christmas for next year.

Box O’Jars
Remember someone at 2:00 a.m. Christmas morning?  Don’t fret!  Scour your pantry for peaches, pears, soups, and pasta sauce.  Dump ‘em, wash ‘em, and wrap ‘em!  Aunt Trish will be delighted that you have so much faith in her canning verve.  And isn’t faith what Christmas is all about?  We'll bet our sugarplums it is.

Chewer Brewer
No one likes waiting for coffee to brew, so here’s a thoughtful gift for the person in a hurry.  A chewed handful of whole beans washed down with a cup of hot water gives the full-brewed flavor of a good cup of Joe with minutes to spare.  Use a tablespoon of ground espresso for an even faster brew and profound kick, releasing earthier tones and highlights with a savory aftertaste that lingers for hours.  Bag of beans (8 oz.) comes with small measure spoon, mug, and instructions.

A Blockbuster Store/Detroit Home
This beats any Black Friday bargain by a mile:  a complete Blockbuster store OR a 3-bedroom house in Detroit, all for less than the price of a latte.  Let the collapsing real estate and DVD markets work in your favor, and give a gift that will be remembered long after the paper and bows have blown away. 

ParkLife Camping Set
Okay, so you don't want to live in Detroit.  Don't worry.  This Christmas, you and your friends can laugh at foreclosure with this nifty camp set, which includes an aluminum-framed nylon igloo, Sterno ™ cooker, and two water-resistant down-filled sleeping bags, all tucked in a fashion-forward shoulder carrying case.   You’ll be home for Christmas (even if "home" is next to a railway siding!).  Your bank promises!

Target Reserve Parking Space
The day after Christmas is an ordeal, especially with returns, late purchases, half-off clearance sales and prickly employees.  And the parking lot?  A disaster, unless you have a Target “Reserve” parking space.  This is the gift of love, given by a friend who is willing to get up at 3 a.m. on Dec. 26th and sit in the Target parking lot space, acting like the car has just gone missing for a second.  What better way to say, “thank you” for the ParkLife Camp Set?

High-Brow Green Technology Personal Groomer
Unwanted hair goes away with this green-tech personal groomer by High-Brow®.  Safe, plentiful, and portable, you can keep one at home and one in your car for those last-minute touchups before an important meeting or date.  Tis the season to exfoliate! 

Jake: A Guide to the 21st Century
His name is Jake, he’s eleven years old, and he’s your tour guide to the technical world.  Jake knows how to program a Blu-Ray, install apps, clean a hard drive, stream Netflix videos to any screen, create a website, and get to Level Six of World Of Warcraft: Cataclysm.  He can also synchronize a stereo, TV, and slow cooker, calibrate a regional electric grid, and use a milligram of weapons-grade plutonium to power an entire house (on a single remote control).   The only thing he doesn’t know how to do is pick up after himself, find his homework, and stop asking what’s for dinner. 

[With no irony or tongue-in-cheek snark, please know I appreciate your visiting Pachinko, and I wish each of you a happy, hopeful, and memorable Christmas]


  1. Well, I was in the middle of unpacking my ParkLife Camping Set when a nice young fellow named Jake introduced me to his family, a friendly group of helpful Hoarders who eventually adopted me (I'm a registered Democrat) and moved all my stuff into the storage room at their new home, formerly a Blockbuster Video store. To celebrate we, chewed coffee beans & drank water (in the brand new jars from the Box 'O Jars) freshly heated in a Sterno-cooker. We proudly donned our Urban Cowboy vests (not the best neighborhood) and drove over to their reserved parking spot at Target where we are eagerly awaited the store to open. They are having a mega-sale on High-Brow Green Technology Personal Groomer supplies and we hope to be first in line! Overall things are looking up.

  2. p.s. how do you edit comments? I need to fire my proofreader . . . :) Ha!

  3. Your proofreader did just fine, Mary! Merry Christmas.


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