Montel Williams Stuns Republicans, Joins 2012 Race Vowing to Clear Debt

Talk show host Montel Williams has thrown the race for the Republican presidential nomination into turmoil by announcing his candidacy as an Independent.

Williams, a left-leaning and highly decorated 22-year Marine Corps veteran who is best known for hosting The Montel Williams Show, promised to clear the entire national debt “with one phone call” to Money Mutual, an online advance payday lender for which he is a prominent spokesman.   “Forget Standard & Poor’s downgrade,” Williams said during his announcement.  “Lousy credit is no problem, and the interest rate of 168% is comparable to what we’re getting from China.”

Republican reaction, on the heels of a celebratory straw poll weekend in Iowa, was swift and blistering.   “He’s not a leader—he’s a hustler and a snake oil salesman,” said Texas governor Rick Perry, who announced his own candidacy on Sunday. “We’ve got that market cornered already.”

Williams’ dashing camera-friendly persona, high profile TV “Q” score, military record, and history of speaking eloquently on behalf of the nation’s weakest citizens makes him a formidable opponent.

“If elected, I’ll take care of the nation’s international debt burden without having to waste time battling congress,” Williams declared.  “Ring-ring, done.  Then we can get to work on the real problems in this country like wasteful military interventions, job creation, expanding health care to the poor, a fair tax system, and why Fox Network eight-balled my show for no reason.”  A source inside the Williams camp said he is considering fellow host Ricki Lake as a running mate, though that is still in the negotiation phase.  Still, his stated goals failed to impress the Republican lineup.

“I simply don’t trust the guy,” said popular congressman Ron Paul.  “He’s about as inauthentic as Romney, who's got the same dimensions as a picture of a candidate.” 

Straw poll winner Michele Bachmann came out swinging, attacking Williams’ lack of experience at a hastily called press conference.  “I don’t think being a Marine, a symbol for healthy living, and a fine looking Black man qualify him for anything,” she declared.  “He smokes marijuana, advocates playing poker on the Internet, and looks totally hot in earrings and a leather jacket, which limits his appeal to only about 80% of the American people.  Correct me if I’m wrong.” 

Non-candidate Sarah Palin remained silent on the newest candidate for the presidency, but a post on her daughter Bristol’s Facebook page described Williams as “the shit.”

“I don’t see how he adds up to anything,” Tweeted candidate Rick Santorum, dismissing Williams as being “out of touch.”  “He’s big on ideology but I don’t see how that applies to the intelligent design necessary to run a government.  Besides, it would be very hard for an African-American to get elected president in the kind of climate we’ve created.” 

Candidate Newt Gingrich quickly demanded that Williams produce his birth certificate.  “I suspect that his claim to being born in Baltimore is questionable at best.   Baltimore is known for harboring terrorist cells.  And who says it’s the same Baltimore as the one in Maryland?  There are other Baltimores, right?  And his family values are execrable.  He’s been married three times, for God’s sake.  Think, people.”