Kony Furious Over Media Focus on Zimmerman
In a frenzied run-up to the 2011-2012 Massengill Honors, thug warlord Joseph Kony has lashed out at the attention shown to Florida shooter George Zimmerman, who now appears to have gained front-runner status for the award. Labeling Zimmerman a “counterfeit” and a “rumor,” Kony designated himself “the real deal” when it comes to destroying children, and that Zimmerman’s sudden appearance as a contender for the coveted douchebag honors is “unfair and unjust.”
“I have worked hard for this,” Kony said in one of a volley of Twitter posts. “Thirty-thousand children. Hundreds dead. It doesn’t happen overnight. He shoots one child and the world is at his feet. What gives? #shitewipe.”
The Massengill Awards, which are presented annually to an individual whose achievements in fartwadiness rises above all others, finds itself having to choose from an unprecedented field of twatnozzles this year. At first, it seemed deposed IMF chief and ultima-douche Dominique Strauss-Kahn was a shoo-in, but the field became impacted with the Anthony Weiner scandal, the Republican primaries, and pretty much anyone who opened his mouth in front of a camera or microphone.
With Osama bin Laden and Moammar Ghaddafi dead, Kony was expected to have a lock on the annual honor, whose past winners have included Phil Spector, Glenn Beck, Kanye West, Ann Coulter, guitarist/tool Ted Nugent, and man-child, fart-huffer Tucker Max. Even in an election year, when douchebaggery seems to spike, Kony had the clear edge over such competition as Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnell, and Sean Hannity, who pale in their collective plonkership.
By winter’s end, it looked like it was Kony all the way, based on the ubiquitous and widely shared Invisible Children video and its viral transmission among social networkers who actually achieved their own level of douchedom by believing an Internet petition is the same thing as doing something.
It wasn’t the first time Kony lost the coveted post position. In March, the Massengill Committee took notice of Toulouse, France child murderer and Koran mis-quoter Mohammed Merah (known in Europe as “Douchebaguette”) but lost interest when he went out a window in a hail of bullets.
Then the Florida shooting of unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin catapulted wannabe Wyatt Earp Zimmerman far ahead of inflamed blowhole and three-time Massengill winner Rush Limbaugh as an odds-on favorite. Even the comments by legendary smegtard Geraldo Rivera have so far been unable to budge the public’s perception of Zimmerman as the winner. Kony, silent for weeks, vented his outrage on his Facebook fan page.
“EIGHTY-SIX MILLION HITS!” Kony posted. “I have surpassed Rebecca Black and “Charlie Bit Me” in my notoriety! And yet you insist on this Zimmerman!”
But the Massengill Award is far from decided just yet, and the punterhood crown is still empty.
Weeks more of Republican primaries, Fox News and MSNBC commentaries, anything out of the mouth of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and rumors of a new Adam Sandler movie could push the attention away from Zimmerman and bring longer odds to Kony. And an announcement on Monday that Ashton Kutcher will play the late Steve Jobs in an upcoming movie is, according to the Massengill committee, "a twofer."
“Time will tell, and things are changing almost hourly,” said awards committee spokesperson Annette Miller. “These are exciting times for Massengill.”