A Guide to Naming Your Celebrity Baby, 2014 Edition

Jennifer Garner obviously has better things to do
than worry about a distinctive name for her child.
So many babies being born to celebrities these days!  How do you make them as unique and special as mom and dad themselves (should there even be a dad—or a mom)?  Well, the easiest and cheapest path to creating a post-fetal celebrity from your baby bump (kid zit, belly renter, 7-months-at-the-gym-wasted) is to name it right.  Or Wright. Or Wright Wing.  See? The more original the name, the cooler and more aloof the parent looks.

I know what you’re thinking: a 14-year-old living with that name?  Don’t worry about it for a moment.  They won’t wear hemp onesies either.  But for now, name one kid on the playground cooler than Speck Wildhorse Mellencamp.  Unless it’s North West or Zuma Nesta Rock Stefani.  You see?  There’s plenty of room in the preciousness sandbox. 

This actor can add "great baby name"
to the list of compliments he
receives every day of his life.
Celebrities ask me every day—“Charlie, what should I name my kid that hasn’t already been taken?” or, “What name will tell the fans how much I adore them?”  or, “How did you get by so long with everyone calling you ‘Chuck’?”   I feel your quandary. 
As a public service (and my Christmas Eve gift to YOU), here are some celebrity baby names.  Use them at will or for inspiration.  They’re in no particular order, and are gender interchangeable. And, as always, they’re all made from organic, artisanal vowels, consonants, and free range letters.

You’re welcome.

Tori Spelling probably has a list of high quality
baby names at her disposal, but here she
looks like she's only wondering if her
back will hold out.

Take your pick or mix-and-match!  

Scarface Rachel
Crisis Humpe
Onda Street G
Kale Grope
Baby Bjorn (product endorsement—hello!)
Penance Purgatory
Royal Douche
Donald Hump
Snark Window
Chlamydia Flush
Flan de Queso
Upside Downey, Jr.
Kill Zone Patsy
Faux Shizzle
El Chipotle
Venti Artisan
Fellatio Hornet
Vegan Meatpump
Blood Algebra
Breaking Brad
Igby Artfay
Suppressed Immune System Martina
Frozen Dirthole Bjork
Major Infraction
Wolverine Testicle
Single Malt Scot
Bitch Shaddap
Playa Pekka
Manscape Motorboat
Miley Cyrus
Flatula Skype
Manna Jean Spondulex
Paulsey Walnuts

The queen of everything baby,  from its ultrasound
pose to the thread count in its carrier.  Nothing
is left to chance for little Mr. Something-Z.  


  1. It frightens me to think of how many of these will come to fruition!

  2. Upside Downey, Jr. is my favorite. I hope that name is selected by someone.


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