A Guide to Naming Your Celebrity Baby, 2014 Edition

Jennifer Garner obviously has better things to do
than worry about a distinctive name for her child.

So many babies being born to celebrities these days!  How do you make them as unique and special as mom and dad themselves (should there even be a dad—or a mom)?  Well, the easiest and cheapest path to creating a post-fetal celebrity from your baby bump (kid zit, belly renter, 7-months-at-the-gym-wasted) is to name it right.  Or Wright. Or Wright Wing.  See? The more original the name, the cooler and more aloof the parent looks.

I know what you’re thinking: a 14-year-old living with that name?  Don’t worry about it for a moment.  They won’t wear hemp onesies either.  But for now, name one kid on the playground cooler than Speck Wildhorse Mellencamp.  Unless it’s North West or Zuma Nesta Rock Stefani.  You see?  There’s plenty of room in the preciousness sandbox. 

This actor can add "great baby name"
to the list of compliments he
receives every day of his life.

Celebrities ask me every day—“Charlie, what should I name my kid that hasn’t already been taken?” or, “What name will tell the fans how much I adore them?”  or, “How did you get by so long with everyone calling you ‘Chuck’?”   I feel your quandary. 

As a public service (and my Christmas Eve gift to YOU), here are some celebrity baby names.  Use them at will or for inspiration.  They’re in no particular order, and are gender interchangeable. And, as always, they’re all made from organic, artisanal vowels, consonants, and free range letters.

You’re welcome.

Tori Spelling probably has a list of high quality
baby names at her disposal, but here she
looks like she's only wondering if her
back will hold out.

Take your pick or mix-and-match!  

Scarface Rachel
Crisis Humpe

Onda Street G

Kale Grope

Baby Bjorn (product endorsement—hello!)

Penance Purgatory

Royal Douche

Donald Hump

Snark Window

Chlamydia Flush

Flan de Queso

Upside Downey, Jr.

Kill Zone Patsy

Faux Shizzle

El Chipotle

Venti Artisan

Fellatio Hornet

TMZena

Vegan Meatpump

Blood Algebra

Breaking Brad

Igby Artfay

Suppressed Immune System Martina

Frozen Dirthole Bjork

Major Infraction

Wolverine Testicle

Single Malt Scot

Bitch Shaddap

Playa Pekka

Manscape Motorboat

Miley Cyrus

Flatula Skype

Manna Jean Spondulex
Paulsey Walnuts

The queen of everything baby,  from its ultrasound
pose to the thread count in its carrier.  Nothing
is left to chance for little Mr. Something-Z.