Collision between mistletoe and beer trucks sparks massive freeway make-out session

A vehicle carrying a load of mistletoe from Oregon to Southern California collided with a Heineken beer distribution truck yesterday, bringing rush hour traffic to a standstill and devolving into a huge make out session among drivers at the 101/405 interchange.  

“The Christmas supplies guy was changing lanes and clipped the beer truck and they both went over,” said Sherman Oaks resident Marsha Eng, 24, between kisses with the driver of a Ford Focus with Arizona license plates, whom she had never met.  The other driver, who wore a garland of mistletoe around his head and held bottles of Amstel in each hand, would not comment despite repeated attempts to engage his attention.

“Once the drivers managed to avoid the accident, they took full advantage of the cargo,” said California Highway Patrol officer Michael Acosta.  “Young people, old people, didn’t matter—all hell just broke loose.  It’s everything you’d see at an office party, except on the 405.”

Although several fights broke out from jealousy and a diminishing supply of beer, most people were convivially drunk.   But that posed a secondary problem for the CHP.  “We made over 285 drunk in public arrests along with several DUI’s—mostly guys trying to get home to their wives.  We had to call in Ventura County for backup.”  Vans from several rehabilitation facilities were on standby.

Fire department emergency teams used the jaws-of-life to open the driver cabs of both trucks, and then quickly enlisted them to separate motorists on the roadside.  Some participants were sprayed with fire retardant foam as a precaution.

“I’m in love with everybody!” said a staggering woman in a muumuu as she weaved between cars along the center divider chasing a man in a mistletoe belt buckle.  “I just want to feed the world with my joy.  I embrace the central me.”

Despite a cranky blast of horns from traffic backed up for miles on both freeways, the macking and beer swilling continued unabated.  News helicopters reported dozens of phone number exchanges as drivers were herded into police vans and patrol cars.

Both freeways were re-opened after several hours.  

“Pretty happy crowd tonight, but that’s L.A., right?” remarked LAPD Chief Charlie Beck as he politely fended off two men in Santa hats who called themselves his “biggest fans.” 

The mistletoe and the beer were both “total losses,” said LAFD spokesman Clint Hillard, “but cleanup was easier than we expected.  It’s lucky the cargo wasn’t more volatile, like mistletoe, beer, and vegetable oil.  Now that would’ve been a problem.”


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