Porn Films Cash in on Oscar Fever

The AVI Awards "Little Oscar"

Filmmakers in the porn business have never been shy about adapting popular movie titles to sell product, using variations such as Pulp Friction, Jurassic Pork, and Schindler’s Fist among a list of dozens.  But 2014 is a banner year for such titillating switches. 

Pachinko has been given access to the confidential roster of next year’s adult video candidates for prospective top-grossers.   Some of them are already in turn-around, and others are in what the industry calls “fore-production.”  Here’s the Adult Video Industry list, with a brief synopsis of each film.  Good luck to everyone, especially during awards season.

Shaving Mr. Wanks  Eddie (Dirk Burglar, in his breakout role) has three hours to get himself perfectly groomed for a hard-won date with the picky, hard-to-please object of his desire, played by Minnie Pink.  Hijinks ensue.

The Phallus Buyers Club

The Phallus Buyers Club  A group of unhappily married women in Newport Beach (Blue Moon, Desiree Majora, Kandi Klutch, Dillie Pickles, Vesta Virgin) places ads on Craigslist to locate the ideal male appendage. 

‘Pravity  Two hyper-sexed astronauts (Brant Wurst, Pippa Minx) are marooned in outer space after their shuttle overheats.  They fill the time (and everything else) waiting for their rescue.

Sparks Nevada in
Captain Fill-Er-Up

Captain Fill-Er-Up  A band of female pirates (led by five-time Best Actress nominee Sparks Nevada) puts the captain of a trawler filled with imported sex toys (Bulk Branson) to the test in order to save his crew as 1500 “armed” troops race to the rescue.

Screw Jasmine  A rich socialite (newcomer Patty Quakes) who’s been left with nothing in her divorce decides to put her considerable yoga skills to the test in order to sustain her lavish lifestyle.

Screw Jasmine

The Milf of Ball Street  A timid Chatsworth, California loan officer (Jeff Junk) finds innovative new ways to qualify buyers for his questionable banking products, but he's met his match when a sexy underwriter (veteran actress Terra Tetons) comes into the picture.

Fill Rowena  Middle-aged spinster Rowena (Ivana Spankin) sets out with a documentary filmmaker (Trent Pole) to chronicle her pursuit of the high school heartthrob who left her behind (played by Palm de Rowrrr winner Russell Muscle).

August Frottage County  An unseasonably hot summer afternoon inspires a bisexual Southern adventurer (Miles Long) to explore new avenues on crowded pubic transport.

Subraska 

Subraska  The economy of a past-its-prime Midwestern hamlet is revived when a dominatrix (Willa Wippin) sets up shop in a long vacant Laundromat.

12 Years a Babe  An Orlando transvestite (Fallopia Prime) has made a Faustian deal to be the most desired woman in Florida.  But now her dozen years on top has come to an end, leaving her to compete with a squadron of nubile young vacationers (including Kew Cumber, Labia Pierce, Lauchan Load, Millicent Felch, and Lotta Gasms) for one final push before she returns to being stock clerk at the BigLots outlet store.  

Fallopia Prime in
12 Years a Babe