President declares May 2 National STFU Day

Taking a cue from the "cascading snarl" of voices on all sides of rancorous public discourse, President Obama has designated Saturday, May 2, as Silence to Foster Unity (STFU) Day.

On that day, the internet will be shut down, cell phone towers will be blocked, and all broadcast news operations will be suspended for 24 hours at midnight.

"It will take a couple of days' preparation," Obama said, "but the benefits of a day when no one says a single word will become clear by about hour two." The utter silence about vaccines, riots, droughts, upcoming Supreme Court rulings, law enforcement, healthcare, income disparity, Common Core, do-nothing government, the economy, the Islamic State, and Bruce Jenner,  will, the president hopes, "allow all Americans a chance to give it a freakin' rest."

In a short Rose Garden speech, the president said that STFU Day "will give parents a chance to recognize their own children, for industry and politics alike to recognize the bankruptcy of rhetoric, and for everyone to experience what the world must have been like before everybody had an intractable, infallible, and ignorant fucking opinion."

Objections are already arising from a quartet of Republican presidential hopefuls who have vowed to keep talking throughout the 24-hour period.