Bin-Laden Stunned to Find “72 Virgins” Deal Expired
Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, reeling from his death Sunday at the hands of a small band of U.S. Navy Seals in Pakistan, was further devastated by the news that the “special jihad offer” of 72 virgins in the afterlife had expired in 2006. The promise of 72 virgins after death has been a long accepted enticement to get Al Qaeda members to take on suicide missions.
“Are you [expletive] kidding me?” Bin Laden asked through his interpreter, the late murderer, torturer and beheader Abu Musaba al Zarqawi. The dejected mastermind of the terrorist attacks on New York City in 2001 slapped his fist into his open palm. “I had the coupon and everything, but they print the date so small who can read it?”
Bin Laden stood at the afterlife Sorting Gate for over two hours, awaiting his “most glorious transportation to the glory promised me by Allah.” But a gatekeeper for the deity, keeping an eye on a crowd surging at a velvet rope barrier, said there was no way Allah or any other deity would grant an audience or honor the coupon.
“I’ve got this list. He’s not on the list. I only let in who’s on the list,” he said shaking a piece of paper. “And the virgins? How many times do you think I’ve heard that one. That and the line about being a ‘friend of the Imam.’ That’s not how Allah rolls.”
“We’ve been caught a little off guard,” admitted Zelim, a spokesman for the mujahideen’s Afterlife.com website. “Look, this offer was made during our membership drive a few years ago, but the coupons have been floating around forever.” He added that there were “certain restrictions” that applied to the offer, one of which was that it be presented at the time of death and that the death be voluntary. “It’s a loophole, agreed, but if we let him take advantage of the virgins deal, then we’ve got to let everybody do it. And frankly, it isn't that easy getting virgins anymore.”
What outraged Bin Laden most was that “lowlifes like Atta and al-Nami [two of the 9/11 hijackers]” had redeemed their coupons and, despite their current residency in the skinning room of the darkest, most fetid broiling bowels of the underworld, “still got a romp with a woman named Trixie.” Bin Laden vowed that he is preparing a class action suit against Afterlife.com because “there are many lawyers here looking for something to do.“
Zelim said the latest controversy has been a “PR nightmare” for the site, which advertises on TMZ.com and boasts “many celebrity clients,” among them Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, Muammar Ghadafi, and Brett Michaels.
“We’re trying to make good on this and keep everybody happy,” he said. “We put together a nice swag bag for him. I don’t know what else we can do at this point.” Bin Laden accepted the bag--filled with items likea Fossil watch, a signed copy of The Kardashian Kronichles, and a set of VHS tapes of Season Three of Everybody Loves Raymond, just as a team of black horses dragged him from the Sorting Gate into a blazing underground tunnel.
“We’re doing everything to make things right with him by setting him up with a woman who blew herself up during last summer’s 'Fatwa Fun' picnic,” Zelim said, “but it's a deal breaker unless we find some more of her parts.”