The Osama Logs

The FBI and CIA are still studying the hard drives of computers seized at the Abbottabad, Pakistan hideout of Osama bin Laden, which are believed to yield much information about the inner workings of Al Qaeda.  Following are excerpts from the daily notes of one of his trusted assistants, an insider’s look at the day-to-day operation of the bin Laden household.

Whole household delighted after O starts Adopt-a-Highway program to demonstrate civic commitment.

Who is this Tom Clancy, and why does he keep stealing our plots?  Check with attorney--can we sue? 

Balanced household checkbook but nobody will cop to the $78.50 mail order purchase from PajamaGram.

O had family in convulsions with on-air prank calls to Brian Williams.

Abduct and slaughter paperboy for not getting paper over wall for third day this week.

O spent hours writing mash notes; he's determined to make a bride of this Palin woman.

The boss is pissed; B of A turned down loan modification because of fudging on income statements.

I keep telling him, “If you don’t smile, those whitening strips are a waste of money.”

Mrs. BL#3 is driving everyone crazy with her endless harping about going green.

Some disapproving talk among the neighbors after we hand out heads for trick-or-treat.

At dinner tonight, Osama pointed out Allah’s handiwork in the little details of his Thomas Kinkade paintings.

Called courier service on wrong cell phone; blew up nine cars.  Whoopsie!

Osama is fooling no one with the comb-over.  Just sayin’.

Next Saturday’s block party cancelled after arms delivery stalled at border.

Got royally chewed out for goat curd stain on carpet.  Call cleaner for estimate.  Call local farmer for new goat.  Call local service for new farmer.

Tour group disappeared in walk-in closet.

Spent last two weeks harvesting backyard wheat to grind into flour.  Can’t we just buy a loaf of bread like everybody else?

Osama frustrated playing Farmville by courier.  Mafia Wars, not so bad.

After 21 missing Jehovah’s Witness teams, you’d think someone would be asking questions.

Movie night uncomfortable; Osama inconsolable after viewing Twilight: Eclipse.

Must talk to O about taking unnecessary risk sneaking into town for gum.

It is no small feat to work his Supreme Leader’s schedule around Big Love.

Hummus and naan, hummus and naan--I’d kill for a pulled pork sandwich on a Kaiser.

O's BFF Al-Zawahiri is coming for the weekend, which means manis, pedis, and pillow fights. 

"It takes a village."  Yeah, I guess so.  And a Pakistani army.