Frank McCourt to Take Over Daily Operations of Al Qaeda
Embattled Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt has been named chief operating officer for daily operations of the Al Qaeda network, effectively outmaneuvering the terrorist group’s second-in-command, Ayman al-Zawahri, and several younger members in line for the coveted position.
McCourt, whose Jesuit education and business background give him a singular point of view in Al Qaeda’s fanatical future goals, has repeatedly expressed his ambivalence to beheadings and the slaughter of innocent civilians. “These people buy tickets,” has been an oft-repeated retort to followers calling for jihad reprisals for the killing of Osama bin Laden. "Don't overdo it."
Rumors had been circulating that McCourt was approached in January by recruiters from the Taliban, but he reportedly turned them down because several deal points had stalled. McCourt has declined to comment.
“Everyone’s delighted,” MLB commissioner Bud Selig said Wednesday. “Frank’s people skills, his way with players, and his savvy financial dealings make him a perfect fit for Al Qaeda. And his uncanny ability to take a perfectly good club and blow it to smithereens in six short years says a lot about the future prospects for this kind of organization.”
Within hours of his appointment, McCourt fired all of Al Qaeda’s top management, leveraged Al Qaeda in Iraq to NewsCorp to pare down debt, and plans to trade four or five of the group’s aging operatives for two key Hamas rookies, offering them lucrative signing bonuses to join "the new team." He also redirected the group’s funding to a holding company in Boston, where it will be administered by a close family friend.
According to insiders, other innovations McCourt has planned for Al Qaeda include a new professional sports stadium in Kabul, a subdivision on the former site of the bin Laden compound in Abbottabad, posh “sky caves” along the Afghan border, “Beer 'n Burka Nights,” bobble-head IED's, and the serving of alcohol at all Al Qaeda events. A few hundred Pakistani army members have been conscripted as security at each of the gatherings.
Three dozen Dodger fans arrived with McCourt for his first meeting with Al Qaeda management, a terrifying show of muscle for the new regime. It has been reported that the terrorists were uncomfortable with the presence of the fans, who quickly convinced them to wear Dodger gear as a sign of unity within the group “unless you want us to f**k you up,” a burly fan spokesman announced. “And if you’re rockin’ a vest, it better be blue, bitches.”
The Obama administration quickly acknowledged the change in Al Qaeda management, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has already met with McCourt to “re-chalk the playing field and change up the batting order.” President Obama unofficially noted to an aide that the war on terror "may end by October, maybe sooner once Jamie’s lawyers get a whiff of this.” No official administration announcement is expected soon.