Irony IPO Tanks In Wake of Government Shutdown
An initial public offering for irony jammed up Wall Street trading networks for several hours on Friday as more blatant political maneuverings drove up supply of the already abundant resource, rendering it “almost less than worthless” according to one trader.
Irony had become a shifting commodity after Vanity Fair editor Grayson Carter had proclaimed its death after the World Trade Center attacks of 2001. Despite a sour national mood, it made a stumbling return to value in the ensuing decade, unintentionally propelled by the Bush administration, its merit finally stabilizing in Q4 of 2010.
The popularity of social media and an increase in free (though dubious quality) snarkiness in the comments section of Internet news stories made pure, pharmaceutical quality irony seem like a sure thing for investors. When a collective of bankers and Wall Street traders grasped the irony that no one in their community would be accountable for the worst economic collapse in modern times, they grabbed onto the idea of actually monetizing irony by selling public shares.
“Hell, water’s free and people still pay two bucks a bottle if you say it came from an Artesian well,” said IPO planner Ben Tarker. “We’re selling stuff that people can get for free, sure, but our irony is top quality. Hipsters hate us but love it. That says it all, right? We’re marketing it as the most flavorful irony you can find.” Talk of a public offering came naturally by the end of 2012, with a sense of strong investor demand. The paperwork had been filed with and approved by the SEC in February, with the IPO set for Oct. 1.
However, the sudden surge in free public access to irony after this week’s U.S. government shutdown drove it from an opening price of $1.32 to "fuck all" said one London trader . Some of the prime causes of the crash, according to brokers:
- Rep. Randy Neugebauer’s (R-Texas) angry dressing-down of a Federal parks ranger at the World War II monument for not allowing visitors the day after he voted to stop funding such monuments and their employees.
- Congress members’ refusal to surrender their own paychecks, defending the decision by explaining that they are “essential” employees.
- House Speaker John Boehner’s angry statement that the shutdown “isn’t a damn game” the same day that it was described in game terms by House Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Congressman Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) during an exchange caught by an open microphone.
- Multi-millionaire radio host Rush Limbaugh declaring that the shutdown “isn’t the end of the world” from the safety of his Florida studio bunker.
- Saturday’s unanimous decision to bring more workers back from furlough and pay those still out of work retroactively, thus pushing tea party caucus members to actually vote for bigger government.
- President Obama taking advantage of a 10% furlough discount at a local D.C. sandwich shop.
- Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) actually beginning to make sense.
- The dire predicament of a teetering U.S. economy swept aside in the face of widespread concern for the public offering of shares of Twitter.
- Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-Minnesota) still being asked her opinion, and then reporting it.
Despite the overflow of irony in the public sector it continued to be briskly traded, gratis, in huge volumes on Facebook, Twitter, and Reddit.
“We may have to wait until Q4 of 2014 to try this again,” said trader Andy Carmel. “I think by then people will be so beaten down by unfolding events that it'll be a sure thing.”