14 Signs for Men That You’ve Picked the Wrong Valentine’s Date

A survey by the American Institute of Psychology revealed last week that Valentine’s Day is, for men, the worst holiday of the year.  “Every February, most men will admit feeling the crushing pressure of expectations mixed with a strange giddiness,” reports Dr. Arlo Kister, the Institute’s statistician.  “We have found this to be the same physiological response generated by cattle being led down a slaughter chute."  

Based on interviews with over 2500 men from all social and economic strata about their worst Valentine's Day experiences, the Institute has published a “14 Signs” checklist that men can use to “manage the level of potential trouble” on a Valentine's Day date.

According to a statement at the list’s conclusion, a single positive response means a definite warning that you may have picked the wrong Valentine’s date.  Two positives mean that you have “quite certainly chosen the wrong date.” Three or more positives mean: “Dude, you need to find a way to escape and get to a safe place no matter how well things seem to be going, at least until the 20th.”

Kister says the holiday findings are for straight men only since gay men "seem to know exactly what's expected of them for gifts, meals, and a perfect evening."  Kister says that many of the straight respondents highly recommend a gay consultant.  Most married men, the Institute found, have surrendered to Valentine's Day "in the same way hostages slip into the Stockholm Syndrome." 

Here is the AIP list of the 14 “signs” of a potentially bad Valentine's date:

1.               She keeps popping up out of the bathtub holding a knife when you're trying to get ready.

2.               Wears bangs to hide a faded swastika scar on her forehead.

3.               Her dress and handbag are made of bacon.

4.               She has three Valentine’s cards on her mantle, all from Phil Spector.

5.              The only time you’re allowed to speak at dinner is while she puts in her whitening strips.

6.              The card she gave you includes a lock of her hair with a piece of scalp still attached.

7.              She gives you a laminated, wallet-sized calendar of her ovulation schedule.

8.              She’s constantly quoting Tig from Sons of Anarchy, in his voice.

9.              She growls and makes barking noises at your waiter.

10.          Wants to spend the evening with a big bowl of cheese corn watching her complete 4-season box set of Small Wonder. 

11.          During intimacy she asks if you’re happy with your cable service.

12.          Gives you a stylish red highway-flare vest with a disposable cell phone.

13.          Her hair smells like a meth lab.

14.          When you ask where she’d like to go for a romantic dessert, she suggests the dining room at a local convalescent hospital.

Close your eyes and pretend it's March.  And Happy Valentine’s Day!