Charlie Sheen: The Proust Questionnaire

Women held at knifepoint, hotel rooms destroyed as pornstresses cower in the bathroom, briefcases of home-delivered cocaine, and attacks on the people who finance his festivities: such is the world of Charlie Sheen.  Living his life as an ongoing tribute to Captain Jack Sparrow, the man who singlehandedly made the word pharmaceuticals an industry reflects on love, judgment, and his epic journey.  [Illustration by Chris Wahl]

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Strafing fools and trolls in my underwear before my first cup of coffee.

What is your greatest fear?

Running out of smokin’ hot goddesses—which I WON’T.  Print that. 

Which living person do you most admire?

Errol Flynn.

Errol Flynn is dead.

Bullshit.  I just saw him over the weekend.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I’m too trusting.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

The judgment of envious prick bastards.

What is your favorite journey?

The journey that is Charlie Sheen.  Do the math.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

They’re all overrated.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?

What’s to dislike? 

Which living person do you most despise?

You ever watch Two and a Half Men?  Read the credits.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

“Epic.”  “Gnarly gnarlingtons.”  “This has never happened before, baby,”  “No, officer.”

What is your greatest regret?

Vatican assassins don’t regret.  Regrets are for pussies. 

What or who is the greatest love of your life?

[Shrugs, opens arms, whispers into lap] Pssst!  Did you hear that?

When and where were you happiest?

[Shrugs, opens arms, whispers into lap] Care to answer this one?

Which talent would you most like to have?

Keeping track of my cars.

What is your current state of mind?

Warrior mode.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

More magic in my fire-breathing fists.  

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

Don’t get me started. But thanks for the Adonis DNA, losers.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

Ask Heidi Fleiss.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Ten minutes of Mike and Molly.

What is your favorite occupation?

Research and development.  Or fluffer—those guys are unsung.

What is your most marked characteristic?

Impulse control.

What do you most value in your friends?

A willingness to be in my army in the battle for justice.

Who are your heroes in real life?

Radio hosts who take my calls.

What is it that you most dislike?

Whattya got?

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

I’m King of the World.  What—I’m going to settle for an oak tree?

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?

Captain Jack Sparrow.

He’s not a real person.

Bullshit.  I just saw him with Errol Flynn.

How would you like to die?

I won’t.  It’s not part of my reality. 

What is your motto?

It’s lonely at the top.  Embrace it.  Violently.