World Leaders Disagree on Spelling of Libyan Leader’s Name
Geneva – Leaders of 65 countries convened a “crisis meeting” in the Swiss capital Tuesday to determine a consistent spelling of the name of the embattled dictator of Libya. What began as a civilized, highly ordered agenda quickly descended into rancor as various camps stuck to their nation’s version of how to spell the name of the guy.
“We’re aligned with the New York Times’ spelling, which is consistent with The Christian Science Monitor,” said Vice-President Joe Biden, President Obama’s emissary along with Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. “They’re the only two major news sources that are even close to agreement.”
“We cannot agree,” said Afghan president Hamid Karzai, who objected to the Monitor’s “Christian" affiliation. “It will not fly in my country,” he declared. “And I believe it will do nothing except to further piss off the region.”
Biden, unaware of an open mike, offered, “How about “that chick-protected a-hole?” to Liberian president Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf. Seconds later, Biden was forced to dodge a thrown shoe.
The Chinese delegation brokered a compromise by writing the soon-to-be-bus-driver-in-Eritrea's name in Mandarin characters and thus making it less likely to be misinterpreted, but a long silence filled with shrugs and a snort from the North Koreans caused the proposal to die without a discussion.
Three European leaders who agreed to work as a team suggested simply referring to the embattled dictator as “the Colonel,” deferring to the drape-wearing douche’s rank, but that was struck down out of fear of a trademark infringement lawsuit by international franchise KFC.
“Look—this guy perceives himself as some kind of ‘prince of Africa,’ offered Mrs. Clinton, "so why not use Prince’s symbol? He isn’t using it anymore. And it's possible that ‘When Doves Cry’ could be a rallying anthem among the dissidents." Clinton's suggestion was met almost immediately with an argument over better Prince songs like "Let's Go Crazy," "I Would Die 4 U," and "Little Nikki." The meeting was called back to order by the blasts of an air horn and several vuvuzelas.
Egyptian representatives, still basking in the overthrow of former "president" Hosni Mubarek only a week earlier, argued for the use of only the robes-and-turban wearing tool’s first name, but Biden was unhappy with that, contending that it would throw a shadow on the Mummers Parade in Philadelphia.
Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu composed a “rebus” spelling on a whiteboard, using a picture of a donkey and a cap as a version of the name of the soon-to-be-roasted-on-a-spit wack job, but that was rejected as well. After eight hours of back-and-forth wrangling, everyone finally agreed to leave the spelling of the egomaniacal crusher of the people’s spirit to history, and refer to him “simply and respectfully as ‘the Whore of Satan.'”
A unanimous vote sealed the decision. "The accurate spelling and pronunciation of names is an understated peril in the diplomatic community," said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stormed out of the meeting before the final vote muttering "Welcome to my world" as he passed a cadre of journalists.