15 Reasons Why Bugs Bunny Should Be President
|Portrait by Harry Sabin and Alan Bodner|
While an anxious and thoroughly disgusted citizenry waits for something to happen with the federal government ("Hey, look! The paint's drying!") and watches the reality TV-rivaling real-time flea circus known as the party conventions (“Who Will Survive This Week?”), a nagging question arises: Can anyone lead America?
The answer is yes. He’s been under our noses for decades, only now we need him more than ever. Desperately. Please consider if you will the one hope for the U.S. presidency: independent candidate Bugs Bunny.
You are already nodding your heads in agreement. See? Think about it—there are at least a dozen reasons why Bugs Bunny would be the perfect leader of the free world.
1. Who doesn’t like Bugs Bunny?
2. He’s smart. He can quote just about anybody if he wanted to, he just doesn’t want to. He’s got street smarts galore, and calls things as he sees them. When he speaks, people listen.
3. He’s an outsider. He’s never actually held an office, although he’s run for office a couple of times just to drive the opposition crazy. He’s never stuck his nose into public policy and never had an ear for beltway jargon. He just wants a comfy, clean place to live, a few carrots, and for people to leave him alone.
4. He’s resourceful. He can turn around a discussion with the mere shift of a pronoun. He thinks on his feet and uses whatever’s available. He makes light objects heavy and heavy objects light (think anvil). He’s always got a new idea, and it always works. He never doubts that he’ll get to a solution if he keeps trying.
5. He’s fearless. That doesn’t mean he’s unafraid, it just means that he doesn’t let his fear stop him from doing something. He’s secure, and he doesn’t have anything to prove. After facing down and leveling the Tasmanian Devil, an orange monster in tennis shoes, an invading Martian bent on Earth’s destruction, Yosemite Sam, boxers, bullies, hillbillies, predators, and Adolf Hitler, it’s a pretty safe bet he can handle Eric Cantor and Mitch McConnell.
6. He’s a champion of the underdog. With Bugs Bunny, fair is fair. He has demonstrated that the weakest among us should be protected—watching out for little bunnies, lost penguins and old ladies. It doesn’t have to be written as law—it’s just the right thing to do. Even if it’s inconvenient and not politically expedient.
7. During World War II, he sold millions of war bonds, helping bring victory on two fronts.
8. He’s a military hero, and holds the rank of sergeant in the Marine Corps.
9. He’s got charisma to burn. Men are in awe of him. Chicks dig him.
10. He’s musical and artistic, and a wonderful dancer.
11. He’s strong and impervious to natural laws like physics and gravity. And grammar.
|Bugs stylings by Chuck Jones.|
12. He doesn’t care that people know he likes to dress in girls’ clothes. People don’t care. You’ll have to dig up something else.
13. He’s already gotten “celebrity” out of his system. He’s starred in hundreds of cartoons, several feature films, a current hit TV show, and has won an Academy Award. He’s been on a first-class postage stamp and played basketball with Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, and Patrick Ewing and held his own on the court.
14. He never throws the first punch—but he always gets in the last one.
15. He's funny. Intentionally.
It should be pretty clear that Bugs is the one candidate with savvy and stamina. And he works cheap.
“But,” you say, “Bugs Bunny is just a one-dimensional cartoon character.” Stop splittin’ hares. That’s the only thing he has in common with the rest of the candidates, Doc.