Penn State Adopts New Image in Wake of Scandal

After the exposure of a covered up child sex scandal and its ensuing public relations nightmare after the firing of football legend Joe Paterno, Penn State University's athletic department has quickly acted to replace its "We Are Penn State" cheer with the more contemporary "WTF."  The Nittany Lion mascot has also been replaced to reflect the new tone of Penn State's students and administration, with three chimpanzees representing the school athletic program's "determination, dignity, and dedication."

"We think this new metaphor is far more powerful than the lion," said university spokesman Marshall Overton.  "Chimps are smart, strong, and adorable, and the trio is a metaphor for the three prongs of our new focus."

Penn State is in the vortex of widespread criticism after Paterno's longtime assistant coach Jerry Sandusky, who retired in 1999, was arrested and charged with 40 counts of sexual abuse of young boys, some of the molestations allegedly taking place in the campus's athletic facilities.  While most reactions have been horrified disbelief that no one who was aware of the assaults (several of them witnessed) told police, many students were more perturbed that Sandusky's behavior resulted in the firing of Paterno.  "Hey, it's sad and everything, but this crap cost us a game to Nebraska," said Ben Ostenkowiscitzki, a junior.  "Joe didn't touch those kids."

"This is a set-up," said senior Alice Kendricks.  "Our athletic department bends over backwards to work with young people and look what they get for thanks.  It's media rape.  Although the chimp t-shirts and mugs are really cute."

The new "WTF" cheer will debut at next Saturday's game with Ohio State.  The school's marching band has already dedicated its rendition of "You Can't Touch This" to "the healing of a lot of hurt feelings around JoePa's firing," said band director Curt Scrum.  Just how "WTF" will be worked into a cheer is the subject of much excited speculation on campus.

"We're taking the moral high ground here and not rushing to judgment," said Marcia Rodd, a culinary arts major.  "You know how cruel kids can be.  All the information's not out yet.  Those 'boys' they keep referring to are men now and should know better than to drum up the past when a whole football program is at stake."

"It's a university's duty to make its football team proud," said assistant coach Bob Shishka.  "And this is an epic fail."


  1. Tell 'em about the "Sandusky Blitz" chocolate and banana ice cream treat!


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