Somali Pirates Force House Vote; Government to Reopen Wednesday

Washington D.C. - A dozen Somali pirates armed with rifles and machetes stormed the Capitol building Tuesday night during a late negotiating session over government funding. No one was killed, and the pirates escaped.

During a tense 40-minute confrontation, the pirates were able to secure a unanimous House vote to fully fund the U.S. budget, thus beating a literal last minute panic as the government was set to default at midnight Wednesday. Few injuries were reported.

The Somali contingency was also able to gain some concessions from a group of 70 Tea Party Caucus members, who cowered behind their seats in the House chambers begging for mercy. They quickly became vocal supporters of the Affordable Care Act, arguing on its behalf in shaking voices.

No one knows how the pirates gained entry to the House chambers.  The Capitol and the Sam Rayburn building were put on lockdown. 

“It happened so quickly everyone was caught off-guard,” said Rep. Roy Toker (D-Georgia).  “We were still arguing back and forth when these guys just appeared out of nowhere.”

“I thought they were just serving us food and drinks,” said Lynn Westmoreland (R-Georgia).  “I mean, why else would those people be in the chambers during a debate?”

One of the pirates, who identified himself only as Daaud, received full cooperation from most members after cutting off the fingers of Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Texas).  “They got respect for the long knife,” he said, smiling and holding up a three-foot long handcrafted broadsword.  Early reports, still unconfirmed, were that the two independent representatives were “helpful” in pointing out the hard line obstructionists. 

The pirate leader, called “Guuleed” by the others, left a letter explaining the attack. 

“People need to work, have food and health for their children.  You are not in a ‘battle’ for America.  You are petty warlords in expensive suits. We just want to show you how real warlords get this shit done.

“America needs to start acting like Americans are living in it,” the letter said.  “Rest of the world—it expects better, or you wind up like us.   Wake up you petty squabblers, or we come back soon.  This was just a social call.”

When congressmen Blake Farenthold and Randy Neugebauer protested on parliamentary grounds that only the Speaker of the House could conduct a vote, they were “bitch-slapped until they were squealing like sixth-grade girls,” said an observer. “They seconded the motion in about three seconds.”

Adam Schiff (D-Glendale) said that Speaker John Boehner, normally a man of few words, called the House to order and presented the vote "like a cattle auctioneer.  The whole process lasted, maybe, 30 seconds."  When Boehner was informed of the loss of Gohmert's fingers, he called it, "unfortunate, but that's the cost of doing business."

Most representatives described the silence during the takeover, save for "widespread whimpering," as "eery."

“When that Guuleed guy asked for “any ‘nay’ votes for full funding of the entire government and lifting of the debt ceiling, you could’ve heard a flea fart in that room,” laughed one congressman, relieved that the incident was over.

“Now get back to busy,” Guuleed allegedly shouted as he backed out of the chamber.  “None of you is any Captain Phillips.”  He was described as "blowing kisses" at the C-SPAN cameras.

The pirates were gone as quickly as they appeared, dragging a screaming congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) with them.  Reports were that she was to become a “gift” to a high-ranking official in Mogadishu, who “respects her views on women, gays, and fundamentalist religion.”  Dozens of House members were reported to have applauded the gesture.

Citizens gathered outside the barriers around the building cheered as they hailed cabs for the pirates.  Capitol police, who had witnessed the furlough of hundreds of their support colleagues, shrugged.

One was overheard saying, “Well, tomorrow’s going to be interesting.”