Republican “Pledge” Features New Healthcare Plan Via Redbox

Washington, DC – The Republicans’ “Pledge to America” will make health coverage available to millions of uninsured Americans by offering low cost policies available at 25,000 Redbox DVD rental kiosks throughout the country says House Republican John Boehner of Ohio.

“Across America, the people see a government in Washington that isn’t listening, doesn’t get it, and doesn’t care,” Boehner said.  “The Redbox Insurance Plan (RIP) speaks to that frustration.  Now you’ll be able to get great entertainment like Get Him to the Greek and affordable health insurance at over 25,000 convenient locations for the price of a Red Bull.”

The insurance, underwritten by a number of as yet unannounced carriers, will cost $1.00, with a 24-hour coverage window that can be renewed daily for 25 days.  At the end of the 25-day period, the policy is considered “fully in force” at a cost of $1875 per month, which will be automatically withdrawn from the renter’s credit card.  The plan places the responsibility for illness and surgical planning “firmly in the hands of the consumer, where it belongs, not big government.” 

Consumers who have purchased the plans through a test program backed by Anthem/Blue Cross find the concept confusing, but there has been some promising feedback.  Arlette Healy of Grand Rapids, Michigan was delighted to find the new offering at the Redbox in the foyer of a Bob Evans restaurant.   She and her husband had just gotten news of a recurrence of his non-Hodgkins lymphoma earlier in the week, and the Redbox plan was “a godsend.”

Her husband Randy is looking at another round of expensive treatments, and with the house in foreclosure and his manufacturing job outsourced to Istanbul, they were unsure of how they would pay for the life-extending health care he needs.  “Then just as I’m renting The Bounty Hunter I see the insurance and I thought ‘God, thank you for an alternative to Obamacare.’  Four bucks later, we’re laughing on the couch and getting Randy ready for his fourth round of chemo.  I’m going back in the morning to renew if we haven’t maxed out the card.”

Democrats on the healthcare committee expressed outrage at the plan, citing the “penurious late fees and very limited coverage, which is good only on the day of purchase and comes with no assurances that any of the bills will be covered.”

“Read the fine print,” Representative Ann Cheatham (D-Illinois) said.  “The Healys are covered for a Wednesday, and the 24 hours begins at the moment of purchase.  According to our consultants, Mr. Healy’s treatments started at 7:32 p.m..  He hasn’t even filled out forms yet, and the clinic where he’s receiving treatment opens at 9:00 the next morning.  If the card is rejected, so is the entire claim.

"Our plan would at least have some more rhetorical flourish."

House Republicans scoff at such criticism.  “We’re taking coverage right to the streets,” said one Republican committee member.  “As long as they renew faithfully, citizens are covered.  We can’t be responsible if they forget to renew, though.”

Redbox expects to roll out insurance offerings at all of their kiosks by summer of 2011, although some insurance companies are withholding newer premium-care packages for 60 days after they hit the market.  To make up for the gap, Redbox plans on incentives such as discount coupons for over-the-counter medicines and health hotlines for people who are too weak to return to the point of purchase.

Emboldened by the forward-thinking, free enterprise nature of the plan, Republicans will next tackle Social Security, Medicare, and education funding via state-administered SuperLotto scratcher cards that will determine the amount of monthly payment.

“If the Redbox program is a success—and we see no reason why it won’t be—this will revolutionize healthcare in our great country,” Boehner said. 

Redbox is also in the final stages of creating absentee ballots and voter machines for their kiosks.  According to a company spokesman, some of the innovative new machines will be in place for the 2012 elections.